Pamplemousse

I Will See You In Far-off Places

2010-05-28T20:37:00.003+01:00

Last published 13 January 2010....poor neglected bloggie!! There, there, pat on the head.

Ahem, cough.

Just discovered this great gizmo on my iPod where I can write big notes eg. draft blog posts and then e-mail them to myself so when I am stuck on trains, I can think of scintillating things to blog about. Errrrr...not so much.

Ok, big news on the street is that Mister P and I are visiting Stateside shortly. If you are one of the few people who did not know this by hearing about it on FB, then this is for you!

If you want to meet up with me and some other bloggers past and present in Boston around the weekend of June 18th, then e-mail me. The lovely T is doing her best to herd cats, otherwise known as trying to organise this lovely snogfest. God love her!

DD is coming that weekend and so is the gorgeous Millie. But even more gorgeous than her is her beautiful daughter who is really all we want to see. Just kidding, Millie!!! Anna H is on board and organising some other peeps. The only person who has declined is Julie as she has something better to do! The idea!!!

So do ya feel lucky, punk???? Do ya??? E-mail me!!! Don't wait to be invited!

Cough, cough....

2010-01-13T21:07:00.002Z

Well, Happy New Year to you!

Why yes, I have not posted since before last summer and no, I have no bloggy shame either!

Where have I been? Mostly on Facebook or Facecrack as Mare likes to call it. If you know me there, then you know what is going on in my humdrum life.

Nothing much has been happening.

We went to California in June and visited with our most gracious hosts, Millie and the Mister who entertained us, fed us, watered us and generally tolerated our touristy questions and thick Scottish accents. Millie christened Mr P as the Headbanger after an unfortunate incident at SFO airport with the door of her eco-friendly SUV. Amy visited too from San Diego and great fun and laughter was had. We were also extremely privileged to attend an adoption meeting held by Millie's fabulous adoption consultant and visit with the other people at the meeting. San Francisco was my kind of town and if you are a friend on FB, heaps of photos are on there.

Other than that big trip, life has been going on, in fits and starts. Lots of grieving for my mum and hard days to get through sometimes. November brought the 1st anniversary of her death and although there are still tears on a regular basis, like all other kinds of sorrow, time does help blunt the pain.

My nephew and nieces help too, as there is no rest for the wicked when they are on the go. My mum was their main babysitter and now it is me and Mr P but I am glad of the distraction, particularly at holiday times. Xmas just past was hard without Mum but not as awful as the one before.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to break the blogwriting block and dust off 2010. I am planning another trip stateside for June but on the East coast this time. Look out NYC, NJ and Boston area!! Lots of planning to do for that. I am also thinking of applying for a new job in my Dept as I need more of a challenge work-wise.

Hope you are all healthy, happy and wise! Ciao bellas!!

Put On Your Red Shoes and Dance the Blues

2009-05-03T18:21:00.002+01:00

I am hoping that just by typing, some blog inspiration will come........

Tick tick tick.......

Well, maybe not.

What's happening Chez Pamplemousse??

Well, spring has sprung, the lambs are lambing, the birds are now tweeting at 4am and the flowers are coming out so it is all good.

Miss Pops is having her 2nd season and she is definitely having the op in a couple of months so no puppies for her. If I can't have some, neither can she hahaha. Just kidding. It is a 24 hr a day commitment for a litter of pups and I could not do it. I am barely here as it is. Besides, the big stumbling block is that I would want to keep any pups and not give them away. Yes, I am a big wuss.

The big California trip is getting nearer. Just over 3 weeks to go! Look out San Francisco, here we come!! I am still trying to persuade Mr P that we need to hire an RV but he is being a chicken....squawk, squawk!!

I was listening to Joni Mitchell and Chick Corea to get in the mood this morning. I think I need a Cali playlist on my ipod. Any good suggestions????

No Mothers Here Today or Any Day

2009-03-22T19:25:00.002Z

Feck. Is it Easter yet???

Today here in the UK and maybe elsewhere in the Commonwealth, it is Mothering Sunday.

It has been hell as the shops, newspapers, magazines, TV adverts, everything has been totally in my face for weeks now. Throw in that it would have been my Mum's 62nd birthday a few weeks ago and you have the perfect storm of grief and anger and sorrow.

I guess that it is the natural order that when your Mum dies, you should be preoccupied with your own children to take your mind off it, hmm? Infertility...the gift that keeps on giving you shit.

Deep breaths. One foot in front of another. Tomorrow all the cards and gifts will be gone from the shops and there will be no more sobbing into the shopping trolley at the sight of them. I know it will get easier and it is just the timing and probably hormonal but can't a broken woman get a break??

I did the same today as I did on Mum's birthday. I cooked and I gardened and I thought of her and how pleased she would be to see me doing both of those, always her favourite tasks.

I talked to the photo of us taken together en-route to Skye and told her how much I missed her. That daffodils always remind me of her birthday and how she always told us that she loved to eat daffodil heads when she was young. Never the stalks cos they were poisonous, just the yellow petals, like hopeful sunshine in her mouth.

Isn't it funny the things you remember?

Optimistic Voices Redux

2009-02-22T13:26:00.003Z

Re-reading my last post is making me cry. I know that there was sorrow and pain ahead for my Mum but she also did not know the joy and happiness that was ahead too. I did not mean for my post to be so gloomy.

See? That is why I have been absent from blogging, as it is hard not to be maudlin and sad via the written word.

Life is full of joy and pain and sometimes it seems like it is all pain. Certainly, the last few years have seemed like that for me but if you knew me in real life, I am not in tears and depressed every moment of every day. There are whole days where there is nothing but smiles, other days are dark with tears. I am being gentle with myself.

There is good news all around me, in my life.

I passed my driving test practical this week and today I had my first solo drive to get the Sunday papers (5 miles on my own! It was so quiet without Mr P that I had to put the radio on haha).

I got the all-clear a few weeks ago after my very 1st mammogram.

I have a secure job which gives me great personal satisfaction, even though it feels like I live in Glasgow at the moment as I am there so much during the week.

Mr P and I have booked to fly to San Francisco in the summer to visit the lovely Millie and hopefully meet up with Amy and the twins. Sorry Janie! Yet another year where I do not make it to NJ!

I could go on and on but you get my point. Spring is coming and the return of the light.

Thank you for all your kind thoughts.

PS Thalia, my mum was 18 when I was born and now I am thinking that the pic must have been taken in 1969 by the look of my brother there. I think I was 4.

Optimistic Voices

2009-02-19T22:33:00.002Z

Twice this week, I have had to tell someone that my mum died suddenly and no, it was not the breast cancer but other metastasised tumours and yes, it was a terrible shock and no, she did not know at the end and yes, thank goodness it was quick. I know it has only been 3 months but at times it feels like 3 seconds and yet at other times, 3 years.

How can the map of my world be re-drawn so quickly? I don't know where I am.

I am trying to have an optimistic voice, like Dorothy, but it is so hard. This reminds me so much of Mum as we loved the Wizard of Oz and watched it so many times together.

I changed the profile photo from Miss Pops to an old photo from 1968 of me, my mum and my middle brother. She looks so young but that is because she was only 19.

It is one of my favourite photos but there are very few of us all together in those days as we did not own a camera. In 1968, Mum had not yet lost my baby sister at birth and had not had my youngest brother. She did not know what was ahead of her.

Actually, it is a blessing that none of us do.

You're out of the woods, you're out of the dark, you're out of the night;
Step into the sun, step into the light.

Fuck Off 2008, Hello 2009

2008-12-24T21:51:00.007Z

Yes, I may be grieving and not really in the festive spirit and there is a lack of Xmas tree-age in my house but I have tinsel on picture frames, had 4 stockings hung up with gifts* and a lot of lovely cards, some with those lovely Par Avion stickers. But I am glad to see the back of 2008.

I hate all that year in review crap. They drive me batshit, even more than mommy bloggers doing the monthly paean to what their beloved child has done since the last boring paean.

2008 was quite shite. It is all my own fault as I hung myself by my own petard by saying my life was humdrum and I liked it like that. Hmmph. I take it all back. I like interesting, as in the Chinese curse "May you have an interesting life".

Anyhoo, I have had the very best and the ultimate of excuses for not meeting Xmas/festive obligations ie. my mother died last month. This, said with a sad face, can get you out of doing anything at this time of year haha.

I have ditched a lot of people and crap obligations during this festive season. Perhaps the perfect combination of psychological colonic irrigation/mourning detox. Soon to be advertised at your nearest spa. Just add bitter herbs and spiky twigs.

As you can tell, my sarcastic wit, previously honed to glinting sharpness by infertility, has now been lasered to the nth degree by my mother dying and leaving me in charge of all things festive and familial. Aaah, I must be at the anger stage....again.

So what I am trying to say in my own long-winded, barbed fashion....let's hope it is a Happy New Year for us all.

Lang may your lum reek.

* For me, Mr P, Miss Pops and my stepfather.

Ray Of Light

2008-11-16T17:22:00.001Z

My mum died on Friday.

So shocking and unexpectedly that it is like a bad dream.

Rest in peace, Mummy.

Oh Happy Day!!!

2008-11-05T19:08:00.002Z

I doubted you to the end.

I lost my respect for you eight years ago and yet again four years ago.

I did not think that you had it in you to collectively take that great leap forward.

I thought that the racists and the bigots and the fearful and the ignorant would have their way.

America, I apologise for doubting that you could do it.

I am so proud of you all.

Welcome back and congratulations!

Better Luck Next Time

2008-10-29T22:00:00.002Z

Yes, indeedy. I failed my driving test.

It was all going so well until I totally stuffed up of one of the 2 mandatory reversing maneouvres....reversing round a corner. I got in a flap and totally failed to see the car coming up behind me. Game over....a serious fault and automatic failure. Other than that, it was fab. I am not downhearted. The only thing that is pissing me off is that I cannot re-sit it until February.

Another winter of cold bus stops and railway stations, I suppose. I have coped for 43 years so another few months will not make any difference.

It is very tempting to start mithering and woe-is-me-ing about failure in another area of my life but I am not riding that pony. Oh no.

In other news, myself and Miss Pops are both a year older officially. We are both pretty unperturbed by the fact. Celebrations were low-key but doggie birthday cake was the highlight for Miss Pops. She did not pay much attention to the card she got from Granny.

Granny is now having her radiotherapy and has moved in with me and Mr P and my stepdad too. It is a bit cramped but we are coping. They sold their house and the way the market is here, they felt they could not pass up the offer. So we are playing Happy Families for a few months until she gets the all-clear and they can go back to Greece.

Apart from the whole mother/cancer thing, life is pretty humdrum here and I like it like that.

Driving Round The Bend

2008-09-11T19:31:00.002+01:00

So....still alive, still learning to drive and waiting with bated breath for my test date of October 27th to come round. Mr P has started to zone out when I am driving so I think that is a good sign. No going-away holidays planned for the near future which would normally totally depress me but as I will have to purchase a car soon....I am psyched. That's my update.

My mum....lymph nodes clear, not hormone-related or genetic type of breast cancer and they are pretty happy that they seem to have caught it very early before it had a chance to spread. Only time will tell but Mum has a 3-week course of radiotherapy starting next month to make sure any oogies are well and truly zapped. In the meantime, they have sold their house and are getting ready for the move to Greece, post-radiotherapy recovery and the hopeful all-clear.

Yes, everything is going on all at the same time and I think it would have been better to postpone the house sale but what do I know? It may surprise you to know that I can keep mouth zipped and foot clear, when necessary. The way the housing market is here, who knows when another buyer would have appeared?? It is their life, not mine so hence the zippedness.

Miss Pops is almost a year old. Her 1st birthday is a week before mine and barring any more chicken-chasing incidents, will almost be a mature young lady. The chickens are not ours but next-doors precious progeny. They say good fences make good neighbours so ours is now impregnable (no pun intended ha!).

Ciao, sweeties.

Scream If You Want To Go Faster

2008-08-10T18:01:00.002+01:00

Not.

My mum has breast cancer. She went for her mammogram and there was something changed, a core biopsy found cancerous changes and et voila, lumpectomy on Thursday past to be followed by an as yet undetermined amount of radiotherapy.

If you have been a long-time reader or friend, you will know that my mum and I have never had the most amicable of relationships. 13 years ago, she pissed me off by moving in with someone less than 6 months after my dad died of cancer. I know now she was lonely and needed someone there, needed more than what us, her children, could provide. But it hurt. Fucking hurt.

It is not the only thing that we have ever been at loggerheads about. Hey, I am 42 and life is long. Women in my family were brought up opinionated yet on pain of death, no talking about emotions or feelings. Just suck it up, be silent and stoic and endure. Get back into the fields and do the work. No time to contemplate your navel or feel sorry for yourself. There would be death before ever blogging or talking about feelings so you can see I am missing some granite chromosome somewhere.

I have to say that my mum totally stepped up to the plate with my 2 fucked-up pregnancies. The last 10 months, we have been the closest we have ever been and shock horror, we now share about feelings, talk about them, share the pain. Mum did not want to tell anyone.. friends, relatives, neighbours.. about her cancer. I told her that you can only get support if you share the pain.

It was the one thing I learnt from being secretive for so many years about IF. I told no-one in real life so no-one in real life could be a friend and support me. Yes, I had all my web and blog friends and your support was a virtual lifeboat for me. You helped me not to drown but it is hard to get a hug through the phone or by e-mail.

When my mum and I started really talking, she wiped the slate clean of all our ancient hurts and then some.

Now it is my turn to step up for her.

Yo, peeps!

2008-07-13T11:27:00.003+01:00

Apparently, I last published a blog post in April, ahem.......

So what has been happening?? Well,I am half-way sorta to having a driving licence as I have passed my theory test this week. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Hmmmph. 50 multiple choice Highway Code questions and 14 hazard perception clips. Mind you, I hate to brag but I got 50 out of 50 on the multiple choice questions and a very good score on the hazards, despite my advanced driving age.

In the theory test centre, it was a sea of teenagers and me. There was lots of muttered talk of second and third tries (at a cost of £30/$60 a shot). Bloody teenagers. I came out clutching my pass letter and wanted to say "Ha! Make way for the mature learner driver who passed first time" but manners held me back. Damn those pesky manners.

Due to work commitment, I can only fit in one official driving lesson per week but I am also driving Mr P and Miss P round the bend in the car at the weekends. Mr P has just about stopped clutching his knees. He really did not have much hair to start off with hehehe.

What else?? Miss Poppy is 9 months now so is starting to be a tiny little bit more mature. She will be an adult by the time she is 1 year old so she does not have long as a puppy left. She has passed her bronze level of the Kennel Club Citizen Good award and will be starting doggie agility class in a few months. Do you think I am one of those over-achieving, over-scheduling, hothousing mothers hahaha?

She has just about forgiven us for abandoning her for 2 weeks when we went to the Greek islands to stay with my mother and stepfather. I am glad I have seen the Mediterranean sun as it is sorely lacking here in Northern Europe. We are having our usual summer weather so can choose between drizzle, showers and actual rain. My Greek tan (ha, as far as a peely-wally Scottish woman with a Celtic complexion can tan) has gone. Do you know that Tertia said to me that I was the most luminously white person she had ever seen??? That tells you how pale I am. Mind you, I almost got a tan just from sitting in Tertia's glow ;)

We visited Kefalonia and Zakynthos and had a fabulous time. We also celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary when we were there. Miss P took a right sulk though as she could not go.

What else? Don't know about you lot but the credit crunch is biting here. Prices of food and petrol....astronomical. I want to go places on holiday but the sensible budget-head says no. Do you know I only have 17 years left to work until retirement???* Scary thought and my mind is now preoccupied with pensions and all that jazz. Too grown up for me.

Anyhoo, for once, it is not raining outside so the outdoors and the midgies beckon. I am going to try really hard to blog more often, honest.

* Scary thought but I have already been working for 23 years. I have now worked more years than I have left!!!! Also, those 23 years?? Still with the same employer. How bizarre is that nowadays? I have only ever had that employer since I finished uni. Good employer, great terms and conditions, fab pension at age 60 and I do enjoy my job. I know I am lucky. Mind you, another corporate reorganisation is on the cards in HR so I might not be singing the same tune next year.

Driving Miss Poppy

2008-04-25T21:20:00.005+01:00

Gee whizz! How long has it been since I last posted?? I would apologise but what the heck. Life is busy here so suck it up hahaha.

I have a confession.

At the grand old age of 42, I am finally learning to drive. With gears and everything. I know, how lame. I know most of you Americans come out of the womb with the steering wheel clenched between your teeth but I never really wanted to do it.

Mr P learnt about 10 years ago and has been dropping giant hints ever since. I was too busy spending money on ART and trips to South Africa. Now I have decided that it is time to actually accomplish something, anything, rather than pour money into my defective body.

Lots of peeps have asked how I am doing and I can say truthfully...Good. I am on my little pillow of Prozac still and I float along, getting on with my life. Occasionally I think about cycling again and then I think "Nah".

The blogging thing (or lack of it) is weird. I no longer feel the need to howl into the ether or hear an answering distant howl back. I am resigned to being childless and every day I confirm that to myself. I am happier not cycling ever again than facing the endless cycles of depression and self-hate and self-pity that would be my companions.

I get it now. My body just does not want to do it, not with my eggs nor anybody else's. And I can accept that. It took a long time but I am definitely getting there.

Some days and weeks are easier than others but it will pass. When my father died, I thought I would never get over it and the pain would never ease or the crying stop. But it does. To me, this feels the same way.

So the driving thing? Taking back some control that is not governed by hormones feels fabulous. I do it at work all the time but this is new. I normally joke that I am totally unco-ordinated and for a long time, I thought I would just not be capable to drive or would hate it. Funnily enough, I love it, gears and all.

I always said that I would have a kid or a dog. I have the dog now and it is enough.

So if you are here for the group-induced self-pity or the ART angst, move on. They don't live here anymore.

Ha ha ha! Hee hee hee! I'm The Laughing Gnome...

2008-03-09T21:58:00.004Z

And you can't catch me!!!

Trying to take a photo of Miss Poppy when she is not asleep is nigh on impossible. The girl cannot stop moving.

She has been transfixed by Crufts on the tellybox this weekend though.

Sometime this year I may be able to craft a post that is not about the dog but I would not want you to hold your breath.

Fol-de-rol

2008-02-11T15:49:00.000Z

Is it sick that I find it funny that my mother always said she would not look after any of her grandchildren instead of them going to daycare but she is now looking after Miss Poppy 3 days a week????

I keep telling her it is the reason why she is now retired but she is so besotted with the dog that it makes no impact. Unfortunately, she and my stepdad are moving to Greece to live later this year so I had better make the most of it now.

I have to say it is lovely to know she is being well-looked after and I can come home and get the Dyson out without a doggie meltdown. The simple pleasures in life hehe.

Miss Poppy has discovered the beach is her new favourite place although it is winter and not very warm at all. I tried to dissuade her from a dunk but no way, sister. Unfortunately I was laughing so hard that I forgot to take any pics of the event!

From Soup To Nuts

2008-01-27T18:52:00.000Z

Well, hello January!!

Posting or commenting on any blogs has not gotten any easier. My apologies for my absence. I barely have time to peruse Bloglines to keep up. But life is good.

I have a teething terrier on my hands. No, make that a terrierist.

Nothing is safe from the jaws of doom bwahahaa.

My little girl now weighs 8lbs and her coat is becoming more wiry. I call her fuzzyface. As she is a Parson Russell, she will have longer legs and a wirier coat than a Jack Russell. She is a bundle of energy and is certainly keeping us on our toes.

She loves to lounge on her cushion, which used to be my cushion. Says it all really.

I guess I have become a doggy blogger now.

Miss Poppy Regrets...

2007-12-26T18:32:00.000Z

..that she cannot woof her thanks to Auntie Beagle and another anonymous gift of a Xmas dog stocking. I can tell you though that she is very, very grateful.

Rudolph the Reindeer was not so grateful to be mauled on the stairs. It was certainly tickling my mum, though.

At one point, Miss Poppy had more parcels under the Xmas tree than I did. Spoilt little dog, already!!!

We have had a wonderful Xmas with my mum and my brother and nieces and nephew. Lots of good food, wine and chocolate liqueurs. Rum truffles too, mmmmm.

The one thing on my wish list for Xmas was to be non-pregnant. Alas, not to be.

HCG on Xmas Eve was still 28. They want to see it under 5 so the blood-letting continues. I could lament how my body cannot hold a pregnancy but it will not let go at the end, either but I do not have the energy. I spend way too much time chasing around after the livewire that Miss Poppy is.

She will be 12 weeks tomorrow. She has been very brave and had all her injections and been microchipped to boot. This is so she can get her pet passport and come on hols to Europe with us (via ferry).

So I raise my wine glass to you all and wish you all a merry festive season. My aforesaid nieces and nephew arrive this Saturday to stay until New Year's Day so that will keep me on my toes with the 3 of them and the dog. I see a lot more wine coming up.

Introducing Miss P

2007-12-12T10:38:00.000Z

The reason why I do not have any time to blog, comment, answer e-mails or do much at all any more.

Walk Like An Egyptian

2007-11-30T15:21:00.000Z

I am going to London to visit the Queen, wearing my thousand league boots.

Uh, no. Actually, shopping and visiting Tutenhkamun and some studly Chinese Terracotta warriors.

Before I could get on the plane, the clinic insisted on a HCG check which thankfully had fallen by 25% in a week. Another check in 7 days when I get back.

See ya laters, alligators.

Irradiated

2007-11-23T19:43:00.000Z

The deed is done. Methotrexate administered yesterday afternoon. HCG had jumped to the giddy heights of 400-odd with nothing in the uterus.

The medical pronouncement was Pregnancy in an Unknown Location. Perhaps in my handbag???

Luckily so far, other than extreme fatigue, I do not appear to be suffering the acute abdominal pains that ended me up in the gynae ward last time.

We are going to buy doggie accessories this weekend so that will keep me occupied. The xmas shopping list is still consuming my time and I have pointedly made a list of things I want from Santa (Mr P).

If you are looking for beautiful, handmade pottery or jewellery, please stop by Beagle's Etsy shop. I can vouch for her as I received a beautiful pendant I had ordered from her shop.

Thank you, Beagle. Your artistic talent even outshines your considerable kindness and thoughtfulness.

You Say Ectopic, I Say Mehctopic, Let's Call The Whole Thing Off

2007-11-21T15:21:00.000Z

Tuesday U/S showed my ute as clean as a whistle. It practically had tumbleweeds blowing through it. Lining was 4mm and no sign of any uterine occupants. All that bleeding with clots last week sure did the job.

There was no sign of fluid in the ute or the pouch of Douglas which could indicate an ectopic. I am not having any bleeding or pain.

And yet...and yet...the HCG rises. It went up to 329 yesterday from 203 a week before.

I go back tomorrow and if the HCG is falling, great. If it rises, then I suspect it will be treated as an ectopic.

I warned the clinic that I am going to London in a week and if something was going to be done, it would have to be this week. I suspect the meth shot but who really knows at this point.

Certainly not me. I hate my body for its inability to do anything right. I wanted a simple miscarriage, not an extended bloody drama again.

I doubt its ability to ever do it right.

In the meantime, it is dark here at 3pm in the afternoon. How appropriate for my mood. I have been exercising my retail therapy muscles online and doing all my xmas shopping. Luckily, most of my gifts come from Amazon.

Of course, I cannot just spend on other people. As it is practically wintertime and the time when all middle-aged women turn their thoughts to knee-high boots, I have just received in the post some new boots.

Now I must caveat that I have calves like a rugby player so normally boots laugh and snigger at me as I try to zip them up but this online company is a lifesaver for those both thick and thin-calved. They also ship internationally ;)

I now have my eye on another pair.

My retail therapy has also extended to the canine variety. We are picking up a puppy when we return from London. We have been talking about it for years and now the garden is puppy-safe, the time is right.

Not Over Yet

2007-11-15T12:14:00.001Z

One person unsubscribed from me this week on Bloglines. Too many swear words? Not enough pregnancy action??

Well, we are not out of the shite yet.

I had another HCG draw taken on Tuesday. I got the phone call today to go back into the clinic next week as my HCG is rising. It went from 117 on Thursday to 203 on this Tuesday past.

This, despite the fact that I stopped all the estrogen and PIO on Thursday and have been bleeding like billy-o since Monday this week.

As Father Jack would say....feck, feck, feck.

Shall we have a sweepie (what would you Yanks call it...a pool??) on it being a 2nd ectopic?? Place your bets.

I am so over this already.

The Girl Who Cried Pregnant

2007-11-11T18:12:00.000Z

No, there was nothing wrong with my comments. I am the team of one and I know it seems terribly ungrateful but I really could not bear an outpouring of sympathy on Friday. I know some people e-mailed me directly and I thank you, if you did.

How am I doing?? Well, the title says it all. Twice now, I have had to tell my doctor, employer, diabetic nurse, postman (not), all at an early stage of pregnancy and twice now I have to tell them "Actually it is fucked". Well, not those exact words but you get my drift. Instead of the boy who cried wolf, I am the girl who cried pregnant.

Frankly, it is embarassing. My boss must not know what has hit him cos well, he is a bloke. A typical Scottish bloke, not much older than me.

Both me and Mr P are taking some time off work. Me, I am waiting to bleed. I am emitting some kind of brown snot at the moment but since I stopped the estrogen and PIO on Thursday, I am not sure how long it will take for the deluge to arrive.

Mr P is taking it hard, in his own quiet fashion. I cry and he pats me. I am not sure if he wants to cry but he has been obsessively hoovering up millions of leaves this afternoon which I am sure is some kind of emotional displacement. Hoovering up leaves in my garden is a thankless task as we are surrounded by deciduous trees and they will blow in from miles around too. They will all be back tomorrow and I guess he will start again.

I guess I am doing my own emotional displacement too as I refuse to lie around and be depressed about this chemical pregnancy. I used to do that and I have learned the very, very hard way that it does not help me in the long run, either emotionally or physically.

I am also refusing to let myself dive into the sugar. I want to. Oh, I want to but I will not.

There has been a lot of decluttering in this house this weekend.

It's All Over, Bar The Shouting

2007-11-09T20:39:00.001Z

And the bleeding.

The jubilation and the good wishes were lovely, and especially the stories of slow plodding betas actually becoming real-life children.

Unfortunately, mine will not.

Yesterday's HCG level had dropped massively in 2 days and the sac had not developed, and in fact looked like it was disintegrating.

The hospital reckoned it had stalled at the beginning of the week but who really knows?? The nurse gave me the obligatory miscarriage leaflet which I binned when I got home. I know all I need to know about miscarriages already from too many real and blog friends.

Thank you all again for your kind thoughts and wishes.

From The Dark Side Of The Street....

2007-11-06T14:29:00.000Z

to the bright(er) side of the road.

We saw a sac. A sac!!!

Excuse me whilst I celebrate this, the furthest point we have ever gotten to. I know it is nothing and equally nothing is certain. But today there is a sac in my uterus.

For today, that will do.

More bloodletting was done, including another HCG and I have to go back to the clinic on Thursday. Guess what for??? Another HCG test to check appropriate doubling.

Feel free to roll your eyes with me and mutter savagely under your breath "Where were you last week when you were needed???

Aaah, the NHS. Slow to get going but once they have you in their grasp, it is like a juggernaut with 5 wheels.

Well, I Think We Have Ruled Out Twins Anyway

2007-11-02T12:25:00.000Z

I am here, hunkered down in the corner, gibbering.

The good news is that Tueday coming is when all the local big guns of the endocrinology world get their hands on my diabetes and thyroid and BP problems. Oh, and the early viability scan. I will be 5w4d.

The bad news is that when my diabetic nurse phoned me to tell me about the appointments, she dropped the bombshell that my GP had decided to run the beta test after all.

79.

At 15dp3dt or 18dpo.

Either way, not good. A low number. The median number on betabase for 18dpo is 247.

So....we either have a slow plodder of an embryo, a blighted ovum or another ectopic. Or some other horrible outcome that I cannot put my mind to at the moment.

Ok, so I am going to be gibbering here all weekend until Tuesday comes. You will have to entertain yourselves.

PS I am reading a truly horrifying book about zombies which does take my mind of my toxic uterus for moments at a time. Check it out, if you dare....mwha..haha.

At times like these, chick-clit-lit just does not cut it.

Even The Threat Of Tertia Did Not Work

2007-10-30T20:02:00.000Z

Nope, no HCG testing.

Now, before you all hit the roof, let me tell you how it went down. Remember I am in Scotland which is not the epicentre of fertility treatment but yet all my treatment is free, kay??

Well, 5 vials of blood were drawn (for everything else under the sun other than HCG), blood pressure taken, prescriptions written but I am very afraid to say that there will be no beta number forthcoming any time soon.

Why?? Because late next week I will have an early viability scan.

I know, I know. It is all about the HCG numbers but is it really? My fertility clinic only ever use peesticks and early scans. Knowing beta numbers does not mean anything in the long run.

As my GP said, the outcome of an early scan will not be affected by whether I/we obsess over HCG numbers this week. Obviously she does not know I blog and share all my personal innards on the internets.

And she is right. It would not have made any difference last year with the ectopic.

I can live with that. So can my blood pressure.

Once we establish early viability, I will be more closely monitored than Britney.

So let's all exhale for the moment, kay?

Another Day, Another HPT

2007-10-29T19:03:00.000Z

Back at work today so no early blogging anymore. Boo for not being able to blog at work and spread the good news that today's HPT came up quicker and darker and clearer.

Tomorrow I have my birthday MOT. You know, where they check everything, especially the diabetes. It is my favourite nurse who does it and I am going to persuade her to add another blood test to the myriad she will already be taking.

Cos Tertia says it is an emergency!!!

Not that my diabetic nurse will know Tertia. Well, I don't think so, anyway. That girl does get around, even at her advanced age ;)

Anything is possible.

Being back at work today sucked as I had a gazillion e-mails from the last 3 weeks to catch up on and all I really wanted to do was lay my head down on the desk and sleep. And gaze at those 2 tests, wonderingly.

No, I did not take them to work with me. The thought did cross my mind but you know when you are in a hurry and rifling through your bag and you accidentally pull out some feminine mahoodgies in front of the mail boy??? Yes, well. I left them safely at home.

PS Lynnette, I have to tell you that the neg test on Friday was with one of those cheapie tests you sent me. I don't like them at all. FRER have a much bigger space to examine for microscopic traces of HCG. Just saying ;)

13dp3dt AKA Insert Any Swear Word You Prefer In This Space

2007-10-28T08:57:00.000Z

I have a line this morning. Faint but a line.

Now before you all jump in with the congrats and high-fiving, let me refer you back to my first DE cycle when this happened.

Why can't I be the person who gets unambiguous + tests at 10dpt?? No, no. I have to have the complete mindfuck. Is it going to be a chemical or an ectopic???

It must be a true measure of how desperately infertile I am that, out of the 40 comments to my last post, no-one even suggested that a good outcome might still occur. But thank you anyway as I only have 2 real-life friends who I can share this crap with and the fact that you all understand and can empathise is worth more than gold.

My favourite swear word for today is my beloved "c" word.

11dp3dt AKA Rinse and Repeat

2007-10-26T15:57:00.000+01:00

Mr P went back to work this morning so I knew I had the day to myself to wail.

Yes, I tested and if you wonder why the title, I refer you back to this time last year.

Nuff said.

Chicken Licken Is Back In The Henhouse

2007-10-25T14:08:00.000+01:00

Before you even think it, no I have not peed on anything.

It is 10dp3dt and I am terrified of seeing the negative that I know is awaiting me. In my own twisted mind, if I don't test, then it is not happening.

In fact, I reckon that if I wait a few months, the answer will be apparent. Aaah, denial is a wonderful place to live.

The journey home was its usual 9 circles of hell. No, hell is the other travellers who dare to annoy me. You know who I mean.

The people who instantly recline their seats as soon as they sit in their seats and mean that I end up with 10cms of space.

The parents who think an international flight of 400-odd people means their toddlers have an endless pool of babysitters to choose from and can wander at will amongst the aisles.

The people who leave their light on in the space above them all night, regardless of the fact that they have fallen asleep instantly in their reclined seat (bastards).

The people who leave the airplane bathroom in the foulest condition for me, after I have stood and waited 20 mins for the use of said bathroom.

I could go on as I am a very grouchy traveller. No amount of Rescue Remedy or deep breathing can alleviate it.

My top tip, as a woman, is never to set off the alarm going through boarding security at Schiphol airport in Amsterdam. If you do, you will be frisked in places that only your partner has ever been and even then, only after at least a botttle of decent wine and dinner.

Some of my very closest real-life and blog friends are lesbians and a more charming, polite lot you could ever meet/email but I am sure they employ the most sex-starved, single lesbians in the Netherlands just for female body searches at security.

I was blushing. And believe me, it takes a LOT to make me blush after 7 years of infertility treatments where nothing is sacred in the stirrups.

The worst thing??? It happened on both transits through Amsterdam. And all I was wearing both times was my standard travelling outfit of only wedding ring, watch, birkenstocks, underwear, cropped trousers and a sweatshirt. What the fuck was setting off the alarm both times?? I think they just wanted to cop a feel.

Homeward Bound

2007-10-23T10:14:00.000+01:00

I am sad to leave but so looking forward to being home.

Our luxurious hotel here in the City Bowl has been out of this world, an oasis of tranquillity and calm. Outside my window is the oldest grapevine in Cape Town and the tiny little grape buds are reaching to the sky.

We dined last night at the most fabulous restaurant and we were treated like royalty. Mainly because Millie had prepared the way and even more so, when they told us the bill had already been taken care of. Luckily I was not having a weepy day yesterday or it could have been a brouhaha.

Thank you, sweetie. You are too generous.

Not only did she prep the restaurant, Millie also asked the hotel staff to be extra nice to us. Last night, there was singing and dancing. This morning, we had rose petals on our breakfast table and more singing. Oh, and a gorgeous chocolate cake too. I felt like the queen.

It is a pity we have to leave but all good things must come to an end.

It is 8dp3dt today and there is no peeing here. Not because I am being strong but because I do not want to have a breakdown anywhere but in the comfort of my own home.

I have heaps more photos but they will have to wait. See you when we are back in the Northern hemisphere!

5dp3dt

2007-10-20T09:46:00.000+01:00

Snappy title, huh?

I am not feeling very snappy today. In fact, can't stop weeping. Even the sunshine can't cheer me up this morning. I fear this is the beginning of the end of cycle blues.

Alchemilla, all I can tell you is that we did not discuss sexual fantasies for the sake of Mr P, who blushes easily, but she did offer to let me feel her new boobs. I gracefully declined but you should have seen the look on Mr P's face as I think it fulfilled several of his fantasies simultaneously ;)

I shall not whinge on and on but the good news is that the PIO shots are easy as pie now. No soreness and just a little bruising. Mr P has developed arm muscles of steel from all the massaging hehe.

Tomorrow we leave our B&B in Camps Bay for a couple of nights of luxury in the city. Flying home on Tuesday and I am reaching the stage of looking forward to going home. I miss my own bed and pillows. The weather has been windy but beautifully warm and sunny and I am storing up as much rays as possible before we fly home to the gloom.

Enjoy the photos.

Kinda Still Resting

2007-10-16T18:41:00.000+01:00

But the weather was a gorgeous 29 degrees today, with not a cloud in the sky so it was a toss-up between bed-rest and sunlounger-rest.

The sunlounger won.

Mr P even braved the unheated pool. He said it was bracing initially but then fabulous. This lady was not for dipping.

The best news today is that my ankle bones and tendons have re-appeared and are positively sylph-like.

By night-time, I was going stir-crazy so we went to Fish on the Rocks in Hout Bay for some takeaway fish and chips. Yes, we have been to Mariner's Wharf too for posho fish but we just wanted a takeaway to eat as the sun was going down in its usual spectacular fashion.

The novelty of seeing the sun disappear into the sea never wears off for me, as at home, we live on the east coast.

Tomorrow, I am released from house arrest and we are lunching with the gorgeous and divine one with the new boobs.

PS we leave one week today, which will be 8dp3dt.

PPS interesting article on DE and surrogacy.

2 In The Oven And 2 In The Freezer

2007-10-15T14:43:00.000+01:00

Transfer was pinchy but good thanks to Vitamin V.

2 eight-celled embryos were transferred. The doc said No to transferring 3 as they were great quality and the donor has a solid track record. The other 2 eight-celled ones were going in the freezer. That is the first time I have ever had any frozens.

The other two of the 6 that fertilised had stalled at 4 cells and 3 cells. He also gave me a prescription for clexane for my ankles on the flight home. The bill is paid and that is that.

Back to bed rest now.

No More Whinging aka Remember It's The Massive Doses of Hormones

2007-10-14T09:09:00.000+01:00

These views from the pool deck remind me how lucky I am to be able to travel to this beautiful spot. On the flight, I spent a lot of time crying and asking myself why I was putting myself through this again. My moods have been more manic than I have experienced since prior to starting the prozac. It takes a lot of getting used to. I have to keep reminding myself that I am taking huge doses of hormones and it is not really me. Last night was a very low, low point.

Thank you for all your helpful comments and general support. I could feel the love!!

Beagle, you made me snort with laughter at your comment as that is exactly what I was doing last night, with my feet up on the wall. It reminded me of those faraway days of TTC when I used to do that to help the swimmers get to the place they needed. How young and naive I was!

Luckily, the elevation and the cold water soaking helped very much and they are almost back to normal again this morning. Today I am taking it easy...no long stints in the car, no wine, no stress. And definitely no whinging.

Last night's shot seems not to have turned into a knot. I made Mr P massage my arse for over twenty minutes. Poor guy ;)

I also did some research and some bloggers advocate walking around after the shot to move the muscle. So I did a bit of that and then added in my longtime companion, Teddy Hottie. He is my hot water bottle that accompanies me all around the world. I don't know sometimes who ranks top...him or Mr P. It can be a close call.

Lynnette, I took a picture of the kelp especially for you this morning with my phone. Mr P got me a bluetooth dongle this week so my Nokia pics can be quickly posted on the blog. Expect a lot more ;)

Ten Sounded So Good aka War of Attrition

2007-10-13T16:34:00.000+01:00

Ah, yesterday when I got the call about 10 eggs retrieved, all was rosy in the garden.

Today, not so much. I knew we would lose some but 4 eggs were immature. The other 6 all fertilised with ICSI so Mr P's 100% fertilisation record, on anybody else's mature eggs other than my own, remains intact.

I know I should be grateful for anything and for both the opportunity and the privilege to be here but it is only one fertilised egg more than last time. And that went so well (ironic tone of voice).

More woes today, too.

My cankles which were almost back to normal yesterday, have ballooned again today and worse than ever. Mr P was joking the other night that I had hobbit feet but not the ears. Hmmmph. Now they are like elephants feet.

I don't know if it is the wine, the PIO or the BP meds I am taking. I fear we are now talking oedema rather than common or garden cankles. I will speak to the doc on Monday at transfer. Anyone got good tips to reduce swelling??

I am sitting in Lynnette's favourite chair, watching the waves with my poor feet elevated on 3 cushions.

The good news is that our stray suitcase was not missing. It was on that bloody carousel. It was unrecognisable to me as it had acquired a hot pink luggage strap somewhere in transit. I watched it pass me a kazillion times but did not check the label due to the misleading strap. Doh!

So no more wine for me, now. I feel like crap, depressed and my arse is unbearably sore after the PIO. It was not sore at the time and I used heat after. I am not looking forward to tonight's shot.

Hang Ten

2007-10-12T22:41:00.000+01:00

No time for more stories as too busy carousing round CPT and lapping up the fabulous food and wine. Mmmmm, wine.

In brief, 10 eggs retrieved. Fert. report tomorrow. First PIO injection bravely administered by a skittish Mr P.

Full day wine tour tomorrow as I have to pack it in before Monday's transfer.

Toodle pip!

Alive, Alive-O

2007-10-11T17:33:00.000+01:00

We are here! It is sunny!! And I made it through the flight without a panic attack!!

And I am very over-excited as you can tell from the liberal use of exclamation marks. Donor doing well, retrieval on Friday and my lining is at 11mm. That was the great stuff. Now onto the not-so-funny or great.

We arrived late Tuesday night, made it off the plane super-quick in front of the 400-strong herd to get through immigration. Yes! I thought. Straight to baggage and we will be in the car in 10 minutes.

No. Very quickly, the first suitcase came round the baggage carousel, complete with its super-distinctive identifying NYC taxi strap.

Then we waited and waited and I grew dizzy, watching the same endless parade of suitcases go round and round. And round again.

We kept thinking some more baggage must be coming so we waited some more. An hour later, we realised that our other suitcase was not going to magically appear and perhaps it was time to make enquiries at the KLM desk.

By this time, I was almost sobbing with exhaustion, after having travelled for 15 hours at that point. My cankles were threatening to take over the airport and I was just not in the mood.

I was prepared to abandon the stupid suitcase but Mr P reminded me it was the one containing all the baby booty for Bosom Buddies. Without it, I would have no legitimate reason to meet the gorgeous and divine Tertia.

I was now freaking out that our driver would have abandoned us as we were now so late. He probably thought we had been arrested for drug smuggling.

Ok, gotta go. To be continued. Stay tuned for more tales of derring-do, hobbit feet and sunset on the beach.

Have Sudoku Book, Will Travel

2007-10-08T16:37:00.000+01:00

And Tylenol PM, Valium, Rescue Remedy and the ever-calming Mr P.

We are all checked in online, all the way to Cape Town.

Staying at the airport tonight for v. v. early flight tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow night, we are there. Aieeeeeee.

I am running from room to room, trying to tidy up and pack at the same time. Luckily for you, this means less blogging time to piss and moan for me. I have had a weekend of panicking and freaking out so I will be glad to get going. Mega doses of oral estrogen do not sit well with me.

PS Janie, my parcel is coming with me to open on the day. Smooches and thank you!!!

Where's My Coat and Umbrella?

2007-10-03T18:13:00.000+01:00

You know I am only posting in a frenzy to keep Lynnette and the twins happy, right???

I think it is sheer nervous energy. I phoned a friend today who told me to slow down and stop talking so fast. I am usually pretty laidback so I must be pretty hyper for my friend to comment.

I checked Expedia to gloat about the prices of KLM flights and our flights now cost twice as much as we paid back in June. Hee hee! I love it when I think I have got a bargain.

I am up to 4mg oral estrogen per day now and tomorrow I ramp up to 6mg. I have more spots than a teenager and feeling awfully weepy (when I am not hyper). I also have a rash on my hand and lower arm. I never have rashes or skin problems so I blame the hormones. I still have the headaches but funnily enough, no hot flashes…yet.

Really, doing a donor cycle is physically so undemanding, compared to normal IVF. One injection and then some pills every day. What's not to like?

I do keep burping a fishy taste from the extra-strength fish oil and I am taking so many vitamins I could rattle but other than that, pretty much business as normal.

Apart from the whole 6 days to go thing. Off now to canter round the kitchen in a manic Mary Poppins stylee.

Finally....It's October!!!!

2007-10-01T18:04:00.000+01:00

I love the month of my birth. Today is UK Older People Day.

Since I will be 42 next week, I am not sure that I qualify. Or do I????

After a weekend of rising at 06.30 each morning, I certainly do feel like a person over 50. Hats off to the mothers who can deal with 3 children as it totally wears me out. I have come to work today for a rest haha.

It is finally October today and it is 8 days to go. I have started assembling piles of clothes and stuff that will be needed.

I am not officially packing yet but just gathering stuff in the spare room. Now the kiddiewinkles have gone home, I can lay out meds, currency, books, etc etc.

My good friend Millie asked me if I was excited. I don't know if excited is the word. She is like me in that unless we are actively in treatment, there is no chance of a surprise. She has no tubes and I have no good eggs so just to be in the game is exciting for me/us.

However I am certainly excited to be going back to Cape Town as I love that place. The wine, the food, the scenery, the people.....outstanding.

But…a big but. This is my 3rd fresh donor cycle. By the time you are staring down the barrel of the third, all the fairy dust has fallen off. I am pretty negative about the chances of success but I am still fighting the good fight. I do not know how much more I have in me.

I had new fences and gates installed by my brother this weekend so now the back garden is either kid-proof or dog-proof.

One way or another, only time will tell.

PS my anon commenter who is going to be in the waiting room reading Oprah?? Would you like to e-mail me for a chat?? my_pamplemousse@yahoo.co.uk

Lalalala...Feeling Groovy

2007-09-28T21:34:00.001+01:00

Well, as groovy as one can feel 11 days away from a donor cycle in another hemisphere.

The oral estrogen started today and barring a few close calls, the week was relatively incident-free. Mr P is still alive, you will be glad to hear.

I hope it is not a sign but my two tomato plants are heading for the compost heap this weekend, having produced zero tomatoes. Flowers, tallness, leaves, yes but no fruit. Hmmm. A less well-balanced person could be thrown totally by that but me??? Ommmm.

I know it has been the cold and wet summer we had.....nothing else.

My nieces and nephew are here this weekend so there will be no rest until Monday.

Luckily, this last week of work should be pretty quiet. I have not a seminar or a workshop or even a presentation to deliver. Bliss. Just counting down to Friday when my 3 weeks holiday will start.

My Motto For Today Definitely Contains Swear Words

2007-09-23T22:44:00.000+01:00

I got those lupron period blues already and it is only CD2.

I woke up this morning in a pool of blood and with my head in a vice. It was not really in a vice but it surely felt like it.

Yesterday I was totally pollyannaesque, going "This is my last period until after the twins are born....wheeeee...giggle....giggle". A total hormone high. Yeah, I could have slapped myself.

Today it is the opposite end of the spectrum and doom and gloom abounds.

Today, in my head is the Bill Hicks-esque monologue "Who are you trying to kid??? You are zero for two already and that is just fresh donor cycles. Do you want to count those failed IVFs too?? Huh, huh??? Well, do ya?????".

Aaaah, the fun of the hormones. I checked my archives for last year and they are really so handy for reminding me of the manic behaviour, depression, exhaustion and killer headaches. So. handy. Every girl should have them.

Anyhoo, what was I blithering on about????

Oh yes, the worst thing about having a period is sneezing during a period. Really, can we have any more fun???

Then the second worst thing is my annoying stepfather coming round to visit and I am expected to listen to his inane drivel for 3 hours. I was going to kill him but Mr P gave me that look that said I would just upset my mother and the blood would never come out of the rug.

I took myself off to hide in the kitchen with Mr Pinot and Mr Grigio instead and I found them much more amenable and soothing.

Next blog post will be my rant about Studio 60 and the lack of any further episodes. I bet you cannot wait.

Here I Go Again

2007-09-22T22:54:00.000+01:00

I woke up this morning, feeling like somebody had punched me in the stomach.

It had been presaged by the brown sludge and spotting last night.

Yes, today is CD1 and depot lupron day. Come on down, Madame Menopausal.

I totally fudged up the injection as it has been over a year since I tangled with the business end of a syringe. Why, oh why does the Ginecrin come with Spanish instructions only? My schoolgirl Spanish is creaky enough without the added pressure of doing a shot right NOW!!!!

However, it is done and thankfully I only have 7 days to endure the worst before the sweet, sweet estrogen starts.

I had the whole pharmacopoeia of drugs out of the wardrobe, counting and checking what was there. The PIO, the prog pessaries, the estrogen tablets, the valium, the 5mg folic acid tablets, the baby aspirin. The only things I am missing are antibiotics but they did not seem to make much difference last time so what the heck.

Of course, these are in addition to the usual suspects of the daily Metformin, Methyldopa, Armour thyroid and Prozac. And the vitamins. I am not sure if I have enough suitcases ;)

Without a backward glance of regret, I binned some totally out-of-date Gonal-f and Menopur as I will never use them again, even if they had been within date. I had been hanging onto these, just for the sake of it and occasionally offered them out to people cycling but the time had come.

I do like to hang onto the thousands of spare needles as you never know when you might need to do a DIY tattoo or create a collage or litter them round your house so you can seem totally cool to your 18 year-old godson and he will think we are doing bad drugs.

OK, maybe not.

Apparently, egg collection from my donor will be around October 14th. Totally makes me hoot as that was never a given with me. Maybe someone should have shouted "Giant Clue - DE!!!" to me back then. Or maybe I just liked playing Russian Roulette with my ovaries.

No Regrets....my motto for today.

Tomorrow my motto will probably be Fuck Right Off but we shall see.

PS. the spell check wants to change folic to frolic.

Ha!! Yeah right. As if. Do I look like I am in the mood for a frolic???

One Wedding and a Funeral

2007-09-11T22:14:00.000+01:00

Yes, that is my itinerary for this week.

Sadly this weekend, my cousin passed away, just short of 40. She fought long and hard against breast cancer but the secondaries spread too far, too fast. Rest in peace, H.

The funeral is tomorrow and since my father's funeral 12 years ago, I cannot bear to attend them. Oh, I do attend and pay my respects but it brings all the memories flooding back. Once you have lost a parent, time heals but you can still be side-swiped by the most esoteric things. Funerals, however, are the worst.

It is the same thing at weddings. I always reach for Mr P's hand and smile at the memories of our happy day. I am usually the one rolling my eyes at the flower arrangements and evil-ly muttering "I give them a year" (especially if they are young), but I enjoy the reverie of my own trip down marital lane.

For the record, my prediction is usually sadly accurate.

After the funeral tomorrow, comes the wedding rehearsal dinner in the evening for Mr P's nephew. Talk about switching gears! I am still trying to co-ordinate an outfit which will work for both events. Not the easiest of tasks.

Luckily there are no problems with the actual wedding gear for Saturday's ceremony. It is going to be a marquee wedding and we have not had any rain for over 3 weeks. Chances are good that my heels will survive.

I am not sure my bruised and battered heart will.

PS 4 weeks today.

PPS several bloggers nominated me as a Rocking Girl Blogger which has totally embarrassed me. By the time I get around to thinking about it, there will be no-one else left to nominate ;)

Ok Go

2007-09-02T22:15:00.000+01:00

I have just had a huge shock.

A period snuck up on me. Yes, it is CD42 and I have very irregular cycles but this never, ever happens to me. A defective egg feels like the Alien bursting out to me and there is no missing it when it happens. Then the 12-13 days of super-bloat, sugar cravings and generally wanting to kill people. None of that this time.

I did have some ovary pain this week but I thought I had a cyst. They were like super-sharp twinges but PCOS is the gift that never stops so any sturm and drang that goes on down there is pretty much par for the PCOS-course.

No matter. All it means is today is the 1st Yasmin pill and in 3 weeks-ish, it is the depot lupron shot.

The way this year is flying by, it will be Xmas card writing time any day now.

Away With The Fairies

2007-08-30T21:01:00.000+01:00

Aye, that would be me.

August is lather, rinse and repeat for me as I said before. However, the endless fun-filled weekends mean that I am as dozy as the proverbial dormouse during the week. Not very professional at all!

Most of the time this week has been spent pondering the question about domestic robots. Eh? you might well ask.

Well, this is 2007 and it is the 21st century. Where are these Japanese domestic robots promised to us last century?? I saw that film with Robin Williams. I am mad as hell. I am fed up of picking things up and putting clothes away. I want my robot....NOW!!!

Other than that, 6 weeks to go, meds ordered from the lovely Howard and we have just finished watching the final episodes of Sopranos. They have not yet been shown here on TV but whisper it....wedownloadedthemillegallyfromt'internet. Shock horror!

I was totally fed up trying to avoid all the discussion about the final episode and I cracked. I'm sorry, m'lud. Guilty as charged. I will not spoil it for peeps still to see it but I thought it was totally cool the way it ended. Just like Bobby Baccalieri said ;)

Anyhoo, my bath and hot oil for my hair are awaiting so cheery-bye.

Finally!!!

2007-08-22T21:10:00.001+01:00

Botany has arrived!

The text from Mare said:

"Botany born at 5.15pm 22 August by forceps delivery. 6lbs 15oz. Epic nightmare labour. Am utterly knackered but mum and baby doing well. Whole story soon".

Welcome to the world, Botany. The internets have been patiently awaiting your arrival.

Congratulations to Mummy and Daddy.

No, Not Yet

2007-08-21T21:56:00.000+01:00

Hello Botany-watchers,

No sign yet.

I received a text from Mare at 8.40 tonight to say that she was admitted to hospital at 8am this morning (Tuesday) and since then, the gel has not worked. She was about to be put on a drip (pitocin, I presume??) to induce labour.

She is more than ready to get that kid put of there, I surmise but the good news is that at least she has a hospital bed to lay her weary bump in.

Send her lots of love and labour-inducing vibes, wherever you are.

Penthouse To Pavement

2007-08-19T17:31:00.000+01:00

No, there is no news of Botany yet but I am sticking by my mobile or Mare herself will be able to update. Her waters have broken!! Come on Botany!

Pregnancy news is usually a mixed bag of emotions for me but I do so love it when the babies arrive.

It is a lazy Sunday afternoon here and I am making a puy lentil soup and a beef stew. That alone tells you what the weather is like here mid-August. I am considering the flannel sheets for the bed too.

7 weeks to go, if you are counting down with me to Cape Town.

Places to stay are booked and the title of this post refers to the fact that we blew the budget on penthouse accommodation last time but this time?? Budget-friendly in Camps Bay for 12 nights then 2 nights luxury in Millie's favourite hotel.

I still have to book carhire but that is easy-peasy. I also have to order the depot Lupron shot this week. I still have heaps of Progynova and PIO from last time.

All the ducks seem to be lining up.

Dog Day Afternoons

2007-08-01T15:28:00.000+01:00

The thing about waiting for donor (or any IF) treatment is that no matter how long it seems you have to wait, days pass anyway. The sun rises each morning and it sets each night and then there is another day gone on the calendar.

It is August 1st and it is 10 weeks from yesterday until we fly to Cape Town. Aaargh, I have just realised that this means that it is only 10 weeks until I am 42. Actually, you know what? I no longer give a fig for my age. Mr P will always be older than me by 21 months hahahaha. I keep telling him that I am going to die first as I don't want to be left alone without him. Diplomatically, he keeps his mouth shut about what he would prefer in that scenario ;)

So if it is 10 weeks until we leave, that means it is approx 7 weeks until I do the depot lupron injection (as near as dammit to Sept 20th). Since it has been a year since I did any shots, I have probably forgotten how to.

Talking of wee pains in the arse, the owner of the place we stayed at during our first week in Cape Town has just let me know that she has sold it!! That great view in the morning?? I will have a photo of it to remind me. Looks like it will be Camps Bay instead. We stayed there for our 2nd week last year and it was cool, with fabulous sea views. It was a bit noisy where we stayed (road noise) though so I am looking for a quieter alternative. There are heaps of places though so it will not be a problem.

It is funny. I looked back at my archives for last August and it is exactly the same as this year. Counting down to cycle in CT, trying to lose some kilos, going to the arts festival in Argyll, going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Wow, my life is so predictable. In fact, I am going to stop posting new stuff and just post the archives instead hahaha.

Here at Chez Pamplemousse, we are on tenterhooks this week for Amyesq and Tim and the referral for their Chinese adoption. Bring on the twins!! The referral should arrive any day now and I am contemplating starting to bite my nails with the tension. Jeebus knows how they are feeling. Tim and Stan the floor man had better be finishing that nursery or they will be toast.

The bunnies are still alive but the fence is in situ so we have declared a truce. There are plenty of weeds for them to eat elsewhere. I can be magnanimous with the weeds. Let them eat weeds!

Oh, and Mare, we are waiting on you too. No pressure ;)

What else?? Busy trying to book for these exhibits towards the end of the year in London. No individual booking for King Tut yet but the warriors are booked.

Onwards and upwards, people.

Down in the Bunker with an Umbrella and a Birdie in my Hand

2007-07-22T11:49:00.000+01:00

Any golf fans visit here? There is a famous UK golf tournament going on in my local vicinity and if you are seeing it on the tellybox, you will see the kind of weather I am always moaning on about. This morning it is 11 degrees celsius (fifty-something fahrenheit??) so Tiger had better have his thermal underwear on, in addition to a giant umbrella.

But my money is on Sergio.

Alchemilla, you are spot on. My e-mail address is in my profile. E-mail me and I can give you any info you could ever need or want ;)

my_pamplemousse@yahoo.co.uk

War of the Roses

2007-07-20T16:21:00.000+01:00

It's war!

Remember those beautiful roses I planted. Things were getting established and growth was good then the bunnies struck. Over one very wet weekend, they gnawed to the ground two of my beautiful specimens. I was so mad I could spit.

Going on the offensive, I cooked up a little bunny cocktail for them.

Cayenne pepper, hot chilli powder, hot paprika and garlic powder all topped off with some water and detergent liquid. I am not sure if they would like an olive on a stick with that but it certainly seems to have kept the little buggers away from the other rosebushes sprayed with the foul concoction (so far, fingers crossed). Take that, suckers!

This is the reason why I need a dog. Or much better fencing. Or move back to the city. Or perhaps even get a life hahaha!

Perhaps I will not get involved with this. Apparently people here are not spending so much time in their gardens. Well, duh! It might have something to do with the fact that it has hardly stopped raining for most of June and July. And the rain does not stop the rabbits either. Feckers.

Paddling My Own Canoe

2007-06-30T15:04:00.000+01:00

I must be mad or benighted or just plain cuckoo.

Just as I finally get back on a long stretch of being normal (who am I kidding?), I decide we are going to cycle in South Africa again.

My friends from across the pond unfortunately cancelled their trip to visit us in August so suddenly I had a lot of holidays earmarked and nothing to do. What else would I decide to do?? Put myself through the DE wringer again, of course.

The truth is that I am more excited to return to Cape Town than I am about another cycle. The weather, the scenery, the people, the food, the wine...all fabulous. I booked the flights as I got a great price for October. It will be my 42nd birthday when we are out there. I cannot wait to take high tea at Kirstenbosch gardens, jazz brunch on Sunday, eyeball the penguins at Boulder Beach, meet up with the gorgeous and divine one again, wake up each morning to that divine view. Whatever horror stories you hear about SA, it is an amazing country to experience at least once in your life.

After I booked our flights (and horrified my donor co-ordinator as that is not the way you are supposed to do it), I picked a donor licketysplit too. You are supposed to pick a donor, she gets her medical exam and once the tests are complete, your dates and cycle plan are sent to you via e-mail THEN you book your flights. Ooops*.

Luckily my wonderful co-ordinator saw the funny side. Mind you, it was a done deal with KLM by then so there was not much else to do really. Thankfully everyone down there bends over backward to be accommodating and helpful and since we are planning this cycle for October, there should be lots of room for leeway (crosses fingers, spits over left shoulder and 3 muttered verses of Shang-A-Lang).

Last year, I hemmed and hawed, considering family history, resemblance to me, hair and eye colours, the whole gamut. This time, I was just "Is she a proven donor????".

Yes, 3 times with two cycles resulting in twins**.

I don't give two hoots for much else. How blase one becomes about this whole process. It makes me feel more mercenary about the whole thing as all I am interested in is a good number of eggs and a solid track record. Ugh.

What I find most ironic is that I rejected this particular donor last year as she was unproven at that time. She has since then become a rockstar donor. Sigh, never mind.

My donor last year was proven, in that she had donated previously but no positive result. Since we were the second couple to receive a donation, it could have just been bad luck. Either way, even if she had been available this year, I was still intent on a new donor.

I am afraid that I don't have the stomach for this any more. I like the even keel, the lack of emotional undertow even if it is pharmaceutically provided. I can even contemplate the whole giving up and staying childless notion now without hysteria and sobbing. If this cycle fails, I am 99.9% ready to close the door. If I won the lottery, maybe not but who knows? This will be my 3rd DE cycle and I am battle-weary.

* A word to the wise....never get between a Scottish lady and a long-haul flight bargain. It can get ugly. Just saying.

** Not that it automatically means that it will work for my deathstar uterus but you know, hope springs eternal, no matter how long she spends trapped in a wardrobe.

Frankly, How Disappointing

2007-06-28T21:33:00.000+01:00

I thought there were a lot more swear words here, necessitating an adults-only audience. Apparently, this could only find one instance of the word "crap". Fuck.

Mingle² - Online Dating

You Can't Get There From Here

2007-06-17T17:26:00.000+01:00

The next time I complain how cold and wet and miserable this country is, just remind me of these photos when the temp was 24 deg celsius (otherwise known as Scottish heatwave weather).

The beautiful beach is Camusdarrach, between Arisaig and Morar.

The train on the bridge is the Jacobite Express (otherwise known as the Harry P*tter steam train) on the Glenfinnan viaduct.

The antelope and gazelle antlers were in the foyer of the Glenfinnan House Hotel. Scrummy food and a beautiful place to hold a wedding.

Any islands you can see in the photos are either Eigg, Rum or Skye.

The bare legs are those of Mr P =o

My Newest Love (Sorry, Mr P!!!)

2007-06-13T16:49:00.000+01:00

Bugger 10 years of marriage!

I have a new love which has usurped Mr P's place in my heart.

Don't worry, darling. The novelty and the new leather smell will wear off in a few months hehe.

At least it does not snore nor hog the duvet.

Coming up next....sunshiney holiday pics and exciting new donor cycle in Cape Town news.

For Every Old Sock, There Is An Old Shoe

2007-05-30T18:56:00.000+01:00

It was a Spring Bank Holiday on Monday and yet alack, I was at work. Plus ca change! Someone has to do it ;)

Happy Memorial Day to you lazy Yanks! Hope you had a cocktail for me. Just kidding about the lazy part, not the cocktail part.

Talking of lazy days, I am winding down this week towards my next 2 weeks holiday. It is a dirty job but someone has to do it.

I am off with the customary pile of books, DVDs, laptop and embroidery for a week in the wilds of the West Coast of Scotland. Yes, I am taking Mr P too. He has to drive the car there....hahaha.

The view out the window of the cottage we are renting is of Rum and Eigg. I am looking forward to doing nothing for a week but gazing at the sea and the islands and exhaling. It is the same place we went last summer, after the ectopic. It is the most soothing place on earth and it calms my soul.

Today is our 10th wedding anniversary but I am not doing much to mark the day. We have exchanged the usual soppy cards but I can still remember celebrating last year about being newly pregnant after the first donor cycle and I really do not want to be reminded of that. I am not being maudlin, just pragmatic.

10 years of marriage is worth celebrating, particularly after the trials of the last year and we will do it......just not right now.

So here's to Mr P. Please raise your cocktail glass in his honour.

I will let him have a little downtime and a chance to gaze at the islands next week too. He does deserve it, truly.

Dedicated to him, here is one of my favourite Johnny Cash songs and the lyrics say it all.

Been Fishing

2007-05-09T22:09:00.000+01:00

...but I am back now, with the good old nose to the grindstone.

Highlights of my holibobs were:

New hairdo

Fave holiday activity???

Highlights from Cambridge

My fave holiday pal

Exhibition rave

My favourite from Manet to Picasso exhibit

New Rug and Flowers.....Joyous Harbingers of Spring

2007-04-08T20:10:00.000+01:00

Finally, a spare moment to blog in peace.

The ruffians have been here for the weekend again. My 7 year old nephew and the 6 and 9 year old nieces. They could test the patience of a saint and I am certainly no saint.

We dropped them off at granny's house this evening and there was a palpable sigh of relief when we arrived back home to calm and serenity. I love the hugs and the giggles but they sure are noisy. I did my best to entertain them by trying to kick a football and promptly falling over in the back garden. I am not sure that my right knee, or my dignity, are ever going to recover.

Today, Easter Sunday, was marked by the traditional "rolling" of the eggs. Not chocolate but painted hard-boiled. You find a grassy hill and then lob your egg down it. Once it is cracked, you can scoff it as part of the picnic. You do have to be careful where you pick your spot though. It is best to avoid the local dog-walker's area or too near a high cliff.

Now I am contemplating a quiet and serene day off tomorrow. The furthest I am going is to the compost heap at the bottom of the garden. I have my eye on an unruly evening primrose plant so I think I am going to practice my topiary skills. And we have new neighbours so I am going to spy on them to see if they look normal.

If you have not done so already, rush to your nearest cinema to see 300 and Sunshine. Totally fab. I am still reeling from the trifecta of British beefcake in 300. Not to mention the Irish totty in Sunshine.

Talking of totty, Doctor Who is back. My life is complete.

It must be Springtime. I can feel the sap rising, missus. Oo-errr.

This Ain't No Disco, This Ain't No Party

2007-03-24T19:43:00.000Z

Spring has sprung as the grass was cut for the first time today!!! And the clocks go forward an hour tonight and it will be officially British Summer Time. Yeehaw, bring on the summer. (Well, as much summer as we have here, far up in the northern hemisphere. Did you know we are on the same latitude as Moscow here???)

At least they still get snow in Moscow. We have had two smatterings of snow all winter, where the ground was barely white. Even the frosts have not been that bad. The worst thing is that means the midgies will be thronging this year. I know we could still have snow yet here but even Southern England has had more snow than us here. The local ski industry is dying a death.

I treasure my weekends at the moment as work is so mad during the week.

I am delivering some fairly long-term learning at the moment, four weeks per learning tranche. This means that I really get to know my learners as we are in class 5 days a week for 4 weeks at a time but it also means much harder work for me. Harder work but if I did not love it, I would not be doing it. It is a totally different dynamic than delivering 1 day or half-day courses. Then it is like "Hi" and then "Goodbye" in a fairly short period of time.

4 weeks is a long time to deal with diverse personalities and skillsets. I just keep gritting my teeth and smiling!!! Hard to believe, I know!

Today I decided it was time to wrestle my eyebrows and 'tache to the salon, to celebrate the arrival of BST. Whilst there, I also had a valley girl french manicure.

In order to counteract the womanliness and the feminine aura, I came home, donned the overalls, gloves and sunglasses and proceeded to hack my way round the dogwood, buddleia, winter jasmine and any other bush that dared to look my loppers in the eye. Spring cleaning for the garden.

I pretty much did not touch my garden last summer so this year is it! Look out weeds, the end is nigh.

Save The Cheerleader, Save The World

2007-03-18T11:25:00.000Z

Ho hum. Nothing much happens round here that is very exciting any more. Why do you come here????

Anyhoo, as you can tell by the title, Heroes has finally landed here and I am utterly obsessed after the first double episode-showing. Quel comic geekoid I am.

I have been assiduously avoiding the spoilers about the plot in trashy US tabloids and on E News but that is par for the course with all the TV I watch. British TV is alright if you like hospital potboiler drama but I am afraid that it does not cut it for me. As for the soaps, urggh. I have enough doom and gloom* in my life without wasting my brain cells on that.

No. You know me. It is solid USA all the way for me. Well, keep your dirty politics and warmongering but as long as I can have my shows, I will tolerate you mis-spelling people ;)

The Wire (still watching Series 3 on DVD in order to savour the McNulty and Stringer experience)
ER
CSI (strictly Vegas only, baby)
Heroes
Rescue Me
Jericho (Skeet Ulrich, yum yum),
Intelligence (strictly Canadian but who's counting),
Lost (but if it does not pick up the plot soon, it is going to be evicted off my roster)
and Curb Your Enthusiasm.

It's all good.

I do have to say unequivocally, I do not like Ugly Betty. Maybe it is because I am not very good-looking so it is a sore point for me. Or maybe because I do not find it at all subversive or ground-breaking in its portrayal of multi-culturalism and sexuality. It might be so in Idaho or Kansas but not over here in the UK. I think mainly I just do not think it is very funny.

Not much else action-wise really. I did do some gardening last weekend but I am not sure that qualifies as "action", even in my nanoverse.

*Actually, no gloom at all thanks to the lovely green pills. In fact, it dawned on me this week that I have not had any sleepwalking episodes since I started them. I do now sleep like a log so that is a good side-effect to chalk up for me. Still waiting for 50lbs to drop off and my legs to grow a foot longer and win the lottery but heck, a girl has to dream about something, right?

I know. Lets pretend to be interactive and you ask me questions about me that you want to know and I will tell you the answers...maybe.

Granny Takes A Trip

2007-03-08T20:48:00.000Z

Huh! You gals must be confusing me with someone who has spare time on their hands ;)

Cooking??? Planning menus??? Good grief. If my poor mother was waiting on that kind of activity, it would be just in time for her 70th birthday, rather than her 60th!

Do you think I am like either the fabulous Martha or Millie????

No, I took the time-challenged route and booked her favourite restaurant for the party of all immediate adult family members, online-ordered flowers to be delivered on the day and phoned in an order for a decorated cake. I am nothing if not efficient with the phone and a mouse.

Don't get me wrong. I love to look at recipes and think about food but I am in the middle of a huge corporate training delivery. It leaves little or no time or energy for anything else.

I am loving the work and I am feeling totally accomplished and great whilst doing it so it is a great confidence booster after the last few months. However, it takes its toll in terms of the energy left for the rest of things in my life. I am just about keeping up with my teevee viewing but it is a struggle. Most nights, I am in a coma, asleep by 10pm. I have never slept like this in my life and I am attributing it to the Pr*zac.

I did make a trifle for the kids' party for Granny so I did make something. And I planned, paid for and booked her secret present from my brothers and myself which totally blew her away. She was shocked rigid and her face was a picture. Just the surprise I was aiming for.

There Is No Such Thing In Life As Normal

2007-03-05T20:53:00.000Z

My new, cheery, all-loving and Zen attitude has been dented this week. I struggle with it every day.

On Sat. morning, I snapped and began shouting at the radio as the presenter spoke to a woman who had called in for a competition. He had asked her to tell him something interesting about her. She replied "Well, I have 3 children". At this, the air turned blue as I yelled obscenities at the poor defenceless radio. I was mainly horrified at the assumption of this woman that there was nothing else "interesting" about her life, other than the 3 children and I was all indignant, up on my high horse.

Would a man answer that question the same way??

Then I caught myself mid-swear-word and pulled back the tidal wave of wrath. I gave myself a mental slap and told myself so what?, that maybe they were the only shining things in her life and she deserved my empathy, rather than the swearing and my judgmental attitude.

See? I have not turned into a complete pollyanna. The real me is still lurking but she does not get out much.

I blame it on the lunar eclipse this weekend and all the planning I have been putting into my mother's 60th birthday celebration. As the only daughter, the expectation falls on me to make it an event and organise everything. Luckily I am medicated enough to be able to do it.

Bloody Blogger

2007-02-27T19:42:00.000Z

I have finally changed over to this newfangled Google account thingymajig. I caved under the pressure. I am not good with change, especially with techy things. Mr P is the man for that. It just makes me grumpy. Grrr.

Good lord, I have just noticed that you can put a photo on your profile! Could you do that before? Shriek, the horror.

Anyhoo, what was I saying before Blogger intimidated me??

Ah yes, I was just thinking that things are pretty boring round here at the mo. I guess an IF blog with no immediate plans for cycling will be like that. I guess it is back to the gardening, weather and teevee topics again. Wow, I am so excited at the prospect that I think I am going to pee my pants.

No, wait. That is just my age. Ahem. Have you noticed that once you get past 40, you lose a certain amount of control over your nether regions. Ahem.

I have to say in my own defense that a sneeze means your body loses all control over every muscle in your body for a split second. Just long enough for the flood gates to open, in my case. I do not even have the excuse that my nether regions have been ravaged by childbirth. Who mentioned the Panama canal????

Anyhoo again, what is with all the ugly dresses at the Oscars?

Kirsten "I smell of pee" Dunst in a Vegas paedophile version of a confirmation dress, Jennifer Hudson in that dreary brown number after so many fab frocks at other award shows, J Lo in another boring dress with what looked like fake gems around the neck (did Marc pick it????) and Beyonce??? What was she thinking? I refuse to believe that was an Armani dress she was wearing. Surely not!!! She kept saying it was a mint colour and I kept yelling "It is eau de nil, aaargh!!". Just ugh. And I reserve the worst dress award for Gwyneth. Has she sacked her stylist?

I do hope that Naomi Watts was ready to be outed as a preggers lady by the designers of her frankly ugly frock too. And I could see Nicole gnashing her teeth right by her side. Maybe that was what the ginormous bow on her shoulder was for? To sink her teeth into when it all became too much for her to bear?

I certainly cannot complain about not being entertained. Of course, I was conducting my fair and well-balanced fashion critique from the depths of my sofa, resplendent in jimjams, fleece and my perennial faves which never go out of fashion, the bunny slippers. Gorgeous!!!

I Never Promised You A Rose Garden......

2007-02-11T21:16:00.000Z

....but I shall have one soon.

My garden is unusual in that there are currently no roses in it. Who knows why? I have gardened here and lived in this house for over 7 years and I have planted loads of other things but no roses.

Today I took myself to the garden centre and bought 4. Just a start but I still have garden vouchers to spend. There will be more. But today I picked some beauties to start off with. The garden is bleak right now, apart from the mahonia and the snowdrops and the winter flowering jasmine.

These roses have a promise to fulfil.

Even better, these normally expensive roses were half-price so I got a bargain. Love it. To celebrate, we then took ourselves off for brunch at our favourite place. I had my beloved smokie scrambled eggs with wholemeal toast, followed by a cinnamon and apple scone and a latte. It has never stopped raining all day but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

I have lots of wispy, half-formed blog posts floating about in my noggin but struggling hard to find the time. Work and life are conspiring against me but I am doing good, don't worry. The 1st of February passed without incident, otherwise known as the due date.

I considered taking the day off but then I thought "What for???. To sit at home and mither and weep??? The buggery hell I will. I did enough of that shit last year. No more!!!".

The internal pep talk worked and it was a normal day. I allowed myself to think about it briefly whilst I had my latte and sarnies at lunch but otherwise, I did not let myself dwell. I have had enough of that. It is in the past...finished.

I will never forget but I cannot let myself remember. The anger and bitterness and sorrow almost consumed me but I am still here. I still breathe, I still laugh, I still smile. There are no visible scars.

I see a family with young toddlers and I force myself to think "What a lovely family".

I see a pregnant woman and I force myself to think "How exciting for her".

I force myself to substitute sweet thoughts for the ugly ones. At times, it does not come easily and I want to let the jealousy and bitterness flood through me like a river of bile. But I do not let it. The only person it hurts is me, myself and I.

When I let the bile out of the cage, it reinforces my self-loathing and it is just a vicious spiral from there. Instead I am going to nurture my roses and smile at the world. It makes it a healthier, better place for me to be.

Sometimes I am not even pretending to smile. It is a real one, with teeth and everything.

What A Shame I Have Forgotten How To Knit!!!

2007-02-09T18:37:00.000Z

This totally tickled me!

Come on ladies! Get your pins out.

And in another body-part-related story, what is wrong with that woman in Florida??? It could be worse, you know. There are far more explicit words than the factual name.

You're The One For Me, Fatty

2007-01-28T14:02:00.000Z

This is the one song that keeps popping up on random on my iPod. I have accused Mr P of setting it like that in iTunes but he denies all charges. Hmm, I am not so sure.

A girl could become paranoid very, very easily.

I am inclined to believe his protestations of innocence. Would such a man, capable of such evil-doing, be right this very moment up to his knees in literal shite?? Wearing an orange boiler suit, like a demented Scottish Evel Knievel? Doing his very utmost to unblock our septic sewage system, on a frigid Sunday afternoon, when he could be esconced inside with the Sunday papers, bagels and copious hot cups of tea???

I have spoken many times of this man's ascent to sainthood. The other week, it was his 43rd birthday and we had a restaurant meal to celebrate, which promptly made only me ill and he had to spend the remainder of his birthday celebration tending to me as I vomited. Poor man.

He has not had a decent night's sleep in weeks as I fight off the seasonal lurgy. The adenoidal snoring is apparently prodigious but he does not wake me up as he makes his way to the spare bed for chilly, silent refuge.

Another celebration recently was for our 14th anniversary of our first date. If only he had known about the snoring he would have to contend with, hahaha!

The blessed man keeps smiling through. Pure balm for my soul.

I Told You Things are Getting Worse!!!!

2007-01-17T21:15:00.000Z

Just call me Cassandra from now on.

I will be in my bunker at the bottom of the garden.

It is a WW2 one but it will still keep me and my stock of baked bean tins safe, right?

I did say that I wanted to hibernate but that would be taking it to extremes, eh?

Caffeinated Hodgepodge

2007-01-15T21:42:00.000Z

Happy New Year, my friends. Yes, I am a tad late but you know I have all sort of lame excuses I could fob you off with.

I need a refresher in time management as I don't know what happens to each and every day just now. I keep thinking ooh I must blog about that and then poof, it's gone.

I still have not managed to sort the South Africa photos out. Maybe by summertime, eh?

I have a raft of iTunes vouchers to use to update my new Xmas iPod but again, no time.

I really just want to hunker down and hibernate until April/May but my filofax and work calendar both disagree vehemently with me and will not let me rest.

I am kind of avoiding blogland at the moment as lots of delicious babies are being born and surprise pregnancies popping up all over. Relax, it will never happen here.

I am trying desperately not to think of my due date in a couple of weeks. I will perk up again soon, promise but I just need to get past that milestone. I know it is a stone cliche but it might have been my one and only pregnancy and due date and although I am trying hard with the aid of the drugs not to elevate it in a misty, romantic fashion, it is hard to forget.

I wish I could forget as I still have acid flashbacks but not in a good way.

In an effort to keep the demons at bay, I have madly scheduled every waking inch of my weekends. Work takes care of the week so Saturday was a social whirl, complete with plastered-on-lipstick smile.

Yesterday, we exercised for an hour, both Mr P and I cleaned the house for 2 hours, I cooked tomato and lentil soup and spinach and tomato pappardelle pasta and between snatches of the Sunday newspapers, phone calls, prep for work and watching Grey's Anatomy, the weekend was finished. Back to Monday again!

Why is it always just after the holidays that you think "when are the holidays"???

January is the usual blah blah but with the added fillip of horrendous storms. Hurricane force gales and torrential rain and nary a snowflake in sight. Not to mention a leaking roof with water coming in through the front hall ceiling. The roof guy was thrilled to scale my mossy roof although he must have about made his first million by now from all the wind damage he will be tackling in this area. I knowit is usually stormy at this time of year but there has been hardly a let-up for weeks.

I am in a rage about this and this and this and this.

Is it just me or has the world started to go downhill really fast all of a sudden?

This stream of consciousness in my tea break has been brought to you by our sponsor, Starmegabucks double tall skimmed latte. Go forth and jitter, my friends.

Auld Lang Syne

2006-12-31T20:27:00.000Z

Do you hear that sound???

Or should I say the absence of sound in the Pamplemousse household?

You can hear a pin drop. The reason being that my 2 nieces and 1 nephew who have been staying here since Thursday have noisily departed.

It is such a shock to the childless system looking after a rambunctious 5, 6 and 9 year old that I fear that my voice will never come down to its normal lower register. I find myself saying things that my mother uttered 30 years ago and I laughed at then. Oh, the hoisting of my own petard.

Friday was the day that it was just me and them. Mr P abandoned me, laughing as he went off to the refuge of his gainful employment. I pleaded for him to phone in sick and stay with me and help me barricade myself in my boudoir but to no avail. The redheaded children were waiting, rubbing their little hands in glee at the prospect of auntie-baiting.

The first casualty was during the battle royale between the apple and blackcurrant juice in the blue corner and the mushroom coloured carpet in the red corner. The carpet lost but luckily the plucky figure of Vanish carpet cleaning spray zoomed to the rescue. I cursed the fashionable plain carpets of the Noughties and thought longingly of the 70's psychedelic brown swirls of my childhood which hid a multitude of multi-coloured sins and assorted stains. Aaah, memories.

Saturday found me still alive although a tad sleep-deprived. First on the agenda was a visit to my great-aunt of 93, long since widowed and childless. My selfish thoughts were to spread the pain and divert some of the aforementioned baiting. It partially worked but I also had to endure the tuneless singing of assorted nursery rhymes and seasonal festive numbers trotted out as party pieces for the edification of the elderly. My ears are still ringing and I cursed Mr P for his lack of forethought in the cotton wool dept. It was alright for my great-aunt as she is already stone deaf.

Next was the obligatory visit to the local play centre. You know, pay the money at the door, slump at the cafe with a bacon roll and wave to the little darlings as they plummet with homicidal glee down the slides, fireman's pole, nets and various rope swings.

Of course, this also means being surrounded by assorted weekend warrior parents vying for supremacy in "Most Expensive Pushchair 2006" competition. The men are the worst and I swear if I was not on mind-altering medication, you would have had to tie me to my chair to prevent me rushing out of the Land Infertility Forgot. However as I am on the above drugs, I smiled beatifically and pretended to be a Stepford mother.

With my child accessories though, I passed for normal....for once. I reckon it was the baggy eyes, lack of make-up, hastily pony-tailed hair and muddy trainers that really swung it. The mark of a mother. Us infertiles have just too much time normally on our hands for personal grooming, ya know?

Finally, the final day of their stay dawned today, at the usual crack of o'dark thirty. It is amazing how quickly you can resort to shoving in a DVD and locking the little darlings in the sitting room whilst staggering back to the duvet.

Mind you, I have seen Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties 4 times since Thursday and it is still hilarious. I just cannot get enough of Odie.

One last yomp round the fields in their wellies and it was time to go home! Hurrah!

Funny how my house is now so clean, neat and tidy yet strangely quiet. I have never noticed how loud the tick of that clock is. Oh well, they will be back in the Easter holidays to torture me some more.

As I finally have time to draw breath, wash my hair and blog, I would like to wish you all a Happy Hogmanay and a guid New Year. Here's to 2007! As my granny used to say, lang may yer lum reek!

Hurrah! I made it to Boxing Day

2006-12-26T12:06:00.000Z

Boxing Day is the best day of the holidays. It is jimjams, and holiday films on the TV, and eating all the choccies you got for Xmas.

Some people say Boxing Day is for the sales but I do not want to see another shop again until I return to work on January 3rd. I don't care how much money has been reduced off and I do not need a new kitchen, sofa, bathroom or DIY implement. No matter how much the adverts on the TV entreat me.

I had a lovely Xmas with my family and I can say it has been one of the nicest ones for years. Mainly because I was not in tears or angry or bitter or miserable and hating everyone else for looking happy. I did dodge some meetings with a couple of new babies in the family as I have not completely turned into a middle-aged Pollyanna but otherwise I am very proud of myself for making it through. Sometimes it is all you can hope for.

Xmas did arrive in the Pamplemousse household and lo! it was shiny and festive.

Merry Xmas to you all (and especially to my peeps who sent cards and good wishes).

Love and peace to you all.

Well, hello there, stranger!

2006-12-14T17:16:00.000Z

Go on, slap my hand! You know you want to.

Blogging has been way, way down my list of priorities the last few weeks and I have to confess that I am almost totally out of the loop blogland-wise. Other than congrats to Thalya and T at Good Times and a sad goodbye to Karen at the Nakey O's.

I have been so busy with work and travelling that all I am fit for when I do have some down-time is catch up on my TV programmes and marvel at how I have not yet managed to post one Xmas card, other than some international ones. And today is the 15th!! Thankfully I have all my gifts organised though unwrapped.

I am still taking the ADs and I have to say that now the side-effects have smoothed out, I feel totally normal. I cannot remember the last time I could say that. Mr P would probably tell you that there was not ever such a time (and he should know as he has had the misfortune of putting up with me and my shenanigans since I was a mere little dumpling of age 11!).

Whether the ADs have just smoothed out the peaks and troughs or what, I am not complaining. I am content to get on with normal life and enjoy my work and not think about the IF shit. I feel as if I have stepped off the treadmill and for the moment, I am not caring if I ever do another DE cycle again.

We have spoken about going back to Cape Town sometime later in 2007 but I am not making any decisions for a few months. I rushed into that last cycle too soon after the ectopic and although it felt like the right thing at the time, I feel now that I was trying to fix a broken leg with a tiny bandaid. When it was a negative result, the world collapsed on top of me. Hindsight is a marvellous thing, eh?

In fact, yesterday was CD1 and I was totally dry-eyed at the sight of the blood and that is really amazing to me. To not give a hoot.....priceless.

I Feel The Earth M-o-o-o--o-ve Under My Feet

2006-11-24T21:07:00.000Z

There is a packet of M&S Dutch chocolate shortcake giving me the glad-eye from the other side of my office. Help!!!

I have upped my chromium dosage in order to counteract the sugar cravings but it takes a while to work and in the meanwhile, the biscuits are stalking me. Not to mention the box of Milk Tray chocolates that the next-door neighbour handed in after Mr P sorted out her laptop.

It is 18 days since I started the fluox*etine (generic Proz*c) 20 mg per day. The first week or so, it was acting as a sleeping pill for me as it was making me so drowsy. On my GP's instructions, I was taking the dose last thing at night. She said that this would minimise the side effects. Ha!

The effects?? Aha, drowsiness, inability to remember my own name, very strange bowel things (and I am used to those after 6 years on metformin!), excessive yawning, grinding my teeth at night and generally feeling like a floating balloon.

These were all making themselves felt day and night. Apart from the teeth thing. But as it meant that I was giving myself mouth ulcers where my teeth were catching the inside of my mouth, it was not really restricted to only a night-time problem.

Initially I felt nauseous and so tired that I did not want to eat but that has now passed and I refer you back to the first paragraph of this entry.

However, you may think that it is not worth it as I have had all these problems. Well, yes and no.

I would not say that I am happy as larry and yippee-skippying about the place but I do notice a general improvement in my mood. For example, I have stopped wailing and sobbing every day at the slightest provocation. This is a huge step forward for me as it was getting to the stage where it was constant and it was really starting to frighten me. I am a crier normally but this was not normal crying at adverts.

In fact, the only thing I have cried at in the last 18 days was when Jimmy Smits reappeared in NYPD Blue from beyond the grave to counsel Sipowicz when he was having a hard time. Come on, that would bring a tear to a statue's eye (well, a statue who was a dyed in the wool NYPD Blue fan, maybe).

No?? Okay, so it was just me. Pfft.

Another thing I have noticed is that I pay a lot less attention to babies and children when I encounter them. It is like I see them but I don't care. Almost like being back in the pre-infertile days. Ditto with the pregnant women. My eye just seems to skip over them. Again another giant step forward for me. For this alone, the little green pill is worth it to me. Long may it last.

I have been worrying about the whole libido thing and the mythical loss of org*sm but I am keeping a close eye on that and so far, so good, the earth is still moving ;)

Where is Mystic Meg??? Updated for anyone not currently residing in my curdled mind

2006-11-19T19:36:00.000Z

My Libra horoscope one day this week said:

Marvin the Paranoid Android brightened many a Douglas Adams book with his infectious brand of negativity. The tales would not have been as enjoyable without him but we must remember he was a figure of fun, not a role model for the masses!

A part of you is in 'retreat'. You want something badly. You have wanted it for a while. You don't think you will ever get it. So you have become cheerfully pessimistic. Watch, now that this doesn't stop you from seizing a very real opportunity.

And also for every single star sign, the tag line ran: there is magic in store between now and the December full moon. Really, magic in December for everyone? Who would have thunk it???

I don't think the happy pills have cured me of being a mentalist* yet, do you???

*“Hello.”
“Whoooo...oggy oggy oggy!”
“Oi oi oi! Alright Oggy?”
“Keano here, on speakerphone.”
“You on speakerphone?”
“Yep.”
“Tits! Who heard that?”
“Everyone, you mentalist. Shut up. What do you want?”
“You coming down Chasers tonight for Gobbler’s birthday?”
“Yeah, definitely. Jimmy the perv coming?”
“Yeah yeah.”
“What about Fishfingers?”
“Oh Fishfingers can’t come cos Susan caught him getting off with whatsherface, with the norks.”
”Oh, that is mental. I’ll see you later then.”
“Gonads!”

Gareth and Oggy (Series 2, Episode 6, The Office)

Psst! Wanna Do A Little Leaf-Peeping???

2006-11-13T20:22:00.000Z

Whilst I wait for the good effects of the AD's to start kicking in, please entertain yourself with some pics from my garden on Sunday. Hopefully normal service will be resumed sometime this decade.

In Every Dream Home, A Heartache

2006-11-06T21:43:00.000Z

You know there is definitely something to this global warming malarkey when we are still having to mow the lawns and my weigela shrubs are still in flower in NOVEMBER, for the 2nd time since summer!!!! In SCOTLAND.

It makes me run around the house turning off all lights and unplugging electrical gadgets in a frenzy. If we all do it then maybe we are not all doomed.

I know I have been suffering from bloggers block. Lots of bloggers have been doing the post every day in November and I am going the opposite way...NoBloNo hehe.

Nothing much going on with me, other than feeling like crap and contemplating the real taking of the Proz*c. I think its time may have come.

There has been lots of discussion about the way forward and a return to Cape Town. However, another monkey wrench has been thrown in the works by my finding out my latest TSH bloodwork had come back at 4.68. No-one contacted me to tell me this as it is just below the normal UK medical upper range of 5.0. However, as any good infertile can recite by rote, that level is way too high for optimal TTC. No wonder those 3 embryos were doomed.

By my research findings, I have diagnosed myself as being hypothyroid. I am certainly exhibiting all the symptoms. Hair loss, exhaustion, dry itchy skin, weight gain, feeling cold, numbness in hands and lets not forget the trifecta of infertility, depression and irregular periods.

This has thrown me for a complete loop and is leading me down the path of considering throwing in the towel with DE treatment. The more I read about anti-thyroid antibodies and their role in the body's immune response makes me think I should just quit and stop throwing good money after bad.

The trouble with the UK is that the only people on the cutting edge of immune treatments are a long, long way away. It seems like another insurmountable obstacle to me. I am too weary for this any more.

After procrastinating for weeks about this, I have a GP appointment tomorrow to discuss it but I know the response will be a referral to my endocrinologist, months in the future. Hence my feeling that enough is enough. How many red flags do I need to convince me that a pregnancy is never going to happen? The PCOS, the type 2 diabetes, premature ovarian failure and now thyroid problems?

The message from my beleaguered body is becoming deafening. I know I am probably over-reacting but I feel as if I have hit the wall.

Chasing Cars

2006-10-26T20:08:00.000+01:00

Yes, I am still alive. Just.

A vicious workload + a stinking, snotty, ear-blocking, voice-losing cold + the onset of the period whose cost per day of bleeding could have kept me in Mulberry handbags for a long, long time have all conspired to completely dissuade me from blogging, nor visit your blogs, nor check my e-mail or even think about all these things. I am one of those stripy humbugs, personified.

I may return to normal soon or I may not. What have I been doing? Apart from the above, watching DVDs, the first season of Curb Your Enthusiasm and the second season of the Wire. Both equally brilliant for opposite reasons but ye gods, I am truly the female Larry David. Believe me, it is uncanny.

I don't have the Camper shoes though.

Pregnancy-Free Zone

2006-10-15T20:44:00.000+01:00

The good doc wanted me to keep testing until I was 14 days past transfer which I dutifully did. Yesterday's final 2 tests are still on the bedroom window ledge, placed there for optimum daylight to highlight the one glaring line on each test. I have finally ceased all the drugs and let go of the embryonic dream.

Thursday was the day that reality set in and I sobbed all day. The uncontrollable type with the snot and the gasping for air. By the evening, no amount of Beauty Flash balm could rescue my eyes. I looked as if I had gone 10 rounds with Joe Bugner.

I am sad, so very sad that it did not work out this time. But as I weep at Manuela's devastating news, I know that there are worse things that can happen. I will be OK, no doubt about that. The ectopic knocked me for a complete fucking loop but a negative cycle? Nothing a lot of listening to Scott Walker will not cure.

Today is just another autumnal Sunday where the bathroom still needs to be cleaned, garden jobs need to be finished and that old Sunday-night-getting-ready-for-school feeling. I do so hate to iron and Mr P has escaped the house to play a gig so I cannot even foist it upon him like I normally would.

PS: thanks for all your support but please do not tell me you are sorry. I am not sorry for anything and it just makes me feel like a total loser. Smooches, sweeties.

That Stupid Fertility Doll Is Giving Me The Finger

2006-10-12T11:28:00.000+01:00

It leers at me whenever I enter the spare room. It was a gift from the donor co-ord. in SA and I appreciate the thought but I could cheerfully chuck it in the bin. It is like a black female version of Chucky. Where are my pins??

12dp3dt and the HPTs are snowy, luminous white where the second line should be. Even the cheapie Dollar Tree tests are declining to give me evap lines any more. I splashed out last night on the good stuff...the FRER and the Clear Blue Early. Pffft. Should have saved that money.

Nothing much else to say right now, other than it makes me want to vomit at the thought of the cost of this negative cycle. I keep telling myself that I had a wondrous holiday and it was worth it to have an opportunity to cycle where normally hope is non-existent but it is not consoling me right now.

Mr P is being his usual optimistic ray of sunshine self and telling me how I did not get a positive HPT until 14dp2dt last time. I restrain myself from garroting him and simply remind him in a snarling sarcastic tone of the great outcome that cycle had last time. Accompanied by much rolling of the eyes.

And please for the love of all that is holy, do not tell me to wait for the beta as THERE ARE NO BETAS HERE!!!!!

There is only me, alone, locked gibbering in a room with crappy HPTs.

Back In Black

2006-10-09T18:09:00.000+01:00

Pack away those colourful holiday clothes...I am back and it is grey and cloudy and raining. Erk.

I know, I know...I did not update whilst I was away. We did not have the laptop with us and internet speed in Cape Town's lovely internet cafes was, well, let me say that the hamsters must have been dozing in the wheel. It was madly frustrating but at the same time, I did not want to stay indoors any more than I had to when the glorious sunshine was beating down outside.

I could post for hours about the luminous light and the endless sky and the blue of the two oceans but I know that all you want to know right now is the goodies.

Our donor had 5 eggs retrieved and we had 100% fertilisation.

All 5 were 8 cells on day 3.

Transfer Sept 30th, 3 embryos on day 3, average quality (which is why the good doc transferred 3).

Lining was 12mm and transfer itself went like a dream (unlike the last time!). The doc said my uterus is slightly tilted forward which is the first time that anyone has noticed or said anything to me about! He said that it might be the reason why I had a difficult transfer before. If I already did not have the love of Mr P, I would have asked him to step in and do the deed as he was so lovely. I know, totally eeeew, hahahaha.

Today is 9dp3dt. My SA buddy kindly sent me too many HPTs to pee on so of course, I started today and all I got for my troubles was an evap. line. Hmmmph.

Anyhoo, moving on. I survived the flights there and back. Thank you to whoever recommended Tylenol PM. We do not have it here in the UK but they had it in Cape Town. On the way there, it was all-day travel and I just plugged in the noise-cancelling headphones and watched films the whole way there back-to-back. Well, apart from the pee and water break and canter round the Boeing 777 after every film. Thank goodness for KLM's interactive entertainment on-demand service. Totally saved my panicking arse.

Coming back on a night-flight was a different story but I got about 4 hours sleep which is a total first for me. The main problem coming back was that I could hardly walk coming off the flight as my legs were swollen to the knees. I had my flight socks on, kept drinking water whilst awake and going for a wee jog between films but still, I had the worst cankles I have ever seen. I am not even sure if they are still cankles if the knees are involved.

I have a thousand tales to tell you about our adventures but I will save you from them until another day. We filled our whole memory card on the digital camera which is no mean feat as it holds just under 400 pics in one sitting.

I will leave you with just one pic for today. It is the view from our room on our first morning in the Mother City. We had arrived in total darkness the previous evening. I opened the curtains and bam! there was the view.

Gone, Daddy, Gone!

2006-09-24T11:14:00.000+01:00

Even if my arse is physically not on the plane yet, my mind has definitely gone. I have had loads of things to tell you but in the white heat of the panic.... all. gone.

Thank you for all your great advice on the flying thing. I have every herbal remedy known to woman in my trusty leather rucksack so we will see. Actually Mr P is a great calming potion in himself. He can usually talk me down from the luggage bin. Love that man. He should be available in a bottle.

I have been hair cut and coloured, waxed and pedicured to the nth degree so I am ready for Cape Town. Is it ready for me though???

Due to the fact that I will make Mr P carry everything on the return leg, we will be laptop-less on this trip. However it is the 21st century and there are internet cafes on every corner, everywhere so there will be updates. Small but current, nevertheless.

I am trying not to worry about the big things so I am focussing on what to wear on the plane, in true Trinny and Susannah stylee. But I tell you, those fetching flight socks match nothing.

Does that Airborne stuff mix well with vodka???? Or is it more of a gin mixer? Thank you, Amy, for hooking me up with that.

I leave you with a photo of my arse, from earlier in the summer. You can use it to visualise me bobbling about in Cape Town. Don't worry, the nightmares will not plague you for long hahaha. And yes, that is a Scottish summer photo. Note the blue feet and the jacket required.

Coming Down to the Wire

2006-09-18T13:24:00.000+01:00

7 days to go.

In 7 days time, at this exact time, I am on the flight from Amsterdam to Cape Town.

Shriek!!!

I have just to finalise some odds and ends in terms of airport transfers and small stuff. I alternate between panic and fear and excitement. I already have a Plan C for a next time but at times this week, I have felt that enough is enough. I am weary and I am not sure if I have the strength any more to go through this.

I keep trying to give myself the pep talk about the fact that I have only ever had one embryo transfer and theoretically it worked first time. So it must be a good sign, right? No. That shit doesn't fly with me. I know how much of a fluke this whole crock of shit is.

It is too late to back out of going to Cape Town but the prospect of a 11 hour flight is driving me batshit. The longest I have flown before is 9 hours to Florida and I was a whole lot younger and more confident then. Does anyone have any non-pharmaceutical tips for panic attacks on planes? My GP refused to give me any proper drugs to take on the outbound flight. I hate drinking booze on planes and it does not make me sleepy.

I don't want to be like that woman who ended up arrested and in restraints on the floor after a panic attack. It is the claustrophobia that does me in. Pity I can only afford Economy class! Last year, going to Toronto, I had to spend about an hour standing outside the galley in order to calm my breathing. The stewardesses were giving me funny looks. No wonder.

Confession Time

2006-09-15T17:02:00.000+01:00

Despite the hormonal storms that overtake me on a regular basis (now up to 4mg estradiol valerate per day), I do still manage the pretence of a normal life.

I have to confess my latest shopping manias.

Xmas wrapping paper and ornaments

Baby clothes

Yes, yes, I know it may seem as if I have lost my mind but I do have a logical reason for these things.

Bear with me whilst I find my brain.

An hour later.

It is only 14 weeks on Monday to Xmas. Time is a passing and I like to have the pick of the wrapping paper. It could be worse. Before I used to spend all my time and energy on ART, I used to start Xmas shopping in the previous new Year sales. There is nothing better than a bargain, eh?

Next, the baby clothes. Have I lost my famous negativity and decided to embrace the positive thinking and adopt the fertile approach of planning your layette and nursery before conception? Errrr, no.

I am doing my bit for karma in the Mother City. Tertia's sister has a charity for new mums and they are always looking for donations. So it is super-easy for me to take a small extra suitcase to SA and leave it there with the gorgeous and divine one.

I normally shop online for baby gifts but I have been enjoying shopping for onesies and blankets and teeny-tiny little socks. It eases the pain when I think of the joy the gifts will bring to those South African women who do not enjoy my wealth and shopping privilege.

There are addresses in the UK and the US where donations of new and second-hand baby clothing can be sent to help Bosom Buddies. It breaks my heart to think of women giving birth and struggling to clothe their newborn baby.

The Estrogen Has Landed

2006-09-12T11:39:00.000+01:00

And the z-pack antibiotics and the baby aspirin. No wonder I feel nauseated. The depot lupron did not give me hot flashes so much as extreme tiredness and headaches. It could have been worse. Hopefully now that I have started on the progynova and start ramping up the dosage, I will feel more lively.

Amy, my ray of Californian sunshine, did perk me up no end. From the giggles at her lack of clean underwear and the shrieks as Mr P scraped the wayward bat off the hood of the car under the full moon rising to the wolfing of the delicious Bangladeshi curries and the restrained consumption of only ONE bottle of natch, South African wine during her visit. It was good. We did the obligatory ancestral castle visit and saw the heilan coos and the yomping for miles and the lying around eating cheese and biscuits and roast red pepper hummus and falafel. Again, again!!

As soon as she left though, I plunged back into gloom and darkness. She took the sunlight with her and now there is only rain.

Somebody slap me.

Only Women Bleed

2006-09-04T13:18:00.000+01:00

Does anyone remember the TV show Rock Follies from the 70s? I had a giant crush on Julie Covington. Her cover of that song spoke to me in December 1976 as I got my period for the first time.

30 years later, the novelty has worn off and I am sick of bleeding. I have had two periods in the last 3 weeks, and in between the flows, non-stop spotting and break-through bleeding from the Yasmin. Ugh. Add that to the depot lupron shot on Thursday past and the envelope from my clinic detailing the records of the last 6 years fertility treatments and no wonder I was feeling a tad overwhelmed last week. I had been in denial about the length of time I had been attending my previous clinic but to see it all laid out in black and white just about killed me.

I was feeling a little "Why Me" too. Why do I have to travel across the world to have DE treatment? Why do I have to pick myself up from the pit and start all over again from scratch with a new donor? Stop the bus...I want to get off.

I do not really want to go back to work but I think I must as I am becoming bored by the Internet. How is that even possible?

Physically the hammer shot has left me more moody than normal (Mr P says it is not possible but it is hard to hear what he is saying from the muffled depths of the hall cupboard). A bit headachy and tired but nothing too drastic. 6 days until I start the estrogen. I am going to make it.

I have to be the hostess with the mostest tomorrow as Amy arrives. She survived 95 miles of Scottish hills and weather so she can survive little old menopausal me.

It's Hammer Time...doo doo derdoo...You Can't Touch This

2006-08-30T15:33:00.000+01:00

Finally, I took the last BCP on Monday and I am now waiting for my period to arrive. Looks like it will be bang on time for tomorrow and just in time to inject the depot Lupron shot, otherwise known as the Hammer. This colloquial name comes from the total shutdown effect on my ovaries, in order to prepare for the donor cycle.

I just checked the protocol:

Aug 31st: 3.75mg Ginecrin AKA the Hammer. Commence descent (further) into cronedom.

Bring on the hot sweats, bitchiness, the possible insanity defence when charged with husbandicide.

Sept 11th: Lo! Bring on the miracle drug.

All hail the oral estrogen 1 x 2mg daily for 3 days, then 2 x 2mg daily for 3 days and so on and so forth. Rinse, lather and repeat. All leading up to 4 x 2mg daily until my first appointment in Cape Town on Sept 26th.

However, I may not have survived the flight without lipstick so it may all be in vain.

Moving on. In my quest to pass the time whilst not eating, I have taken to filling my diary with tricks and non-food treats. This is my tried and tested pre-cycle routine. Rather than count the ticks of the clock as they crawl round, I jam my schedule so no time to fret about how much time is left before cycling. Of course, work would fulfil some of that function and it will. But it is not exactly a treat to look forward to, eh?

This past weekend was the last weekend of the Edinburgh Festival, specifically the Fringe. It is the only thing to do in Scotland in August unless you are a skinny Californian with a penchant for heilan coos. Last year I missed it as I was cycling abortively for the last time with my own fucked eggs. I was not in the mood to battle my way up and down the Royal Mile and all around the Pleasance.

This year, I was ready. It was madness and brilliance and mayhem all rolled into one. I also shoe-horned a visit to a book-signing at the Book Festival. There I worshipped at the Irish knee of one of my favourite authors. He signed a copy of his new book for me, we had a little palaver about music and his blog and I tried very hard not to slaver all over him or the shiny new book. I am such a fangirl. I should know better at my age.

I pretty much leave the Fringe picks up to Mr P as he is the comic aficionado and his judgement is usually sound. It amazes me how there is always a Japanese drumming show, complete with Samurai swords. We saw Mr Hicks, back from beyond the grave. He has not aged a bit though the language was as near the knuckle as ever. The day was topped off by Mr Sadowitz who is utterly indescribable but your granny would not like it.

All in all, a melting pot of culture and music and books and swearing. What more could you ask for?

Oh, and in case you are thinking "Darn it, I have missed it for this year and I will never be able to leave Norfolk, Nebraska anyway", you can watch it all on film in the comfort of your own home. Again the language and the sex scenes (including one with a prosthetic member) would mean no viewing with your granny but it is a fairly accurate filmic yet fictional account of the mayhem in any given August.

Pamplemousse's Bazaar

2006-08-25T16:55:00.000+01:00

Now that I am no longer suicidal with grief all the time, I fear that I will be going back to work soon but in the meantime, I am enjoying the peace and entertaining myself with these. This week, reading:

Brando Unzipped

Part V: Wolves of the Calla

About Grace

Beach Road

Whilst listening to this:

Ray LaMontagne

All the while smearing myself with this in order not to blind the skinny brown Californian when she arrives in 12 days!!!

Ill Met By Sunlight

2006-08-23T15:58:00.000+01:00

Still here, trying to whittle centimetres from my arse. It is a dirty job but someone has to do it. 8.5 lbs down now in total.

The BCPs are making me feel weird and a complete superbitch so don't make me angry. You won't like me when I am angry.

Despite the hormonal ups and downs, I have been doing a sterling impression of normality and I have even been in a whirl of socialising at home (with wine!!!) and decorating and shopping and I keep thinking to myself "I really need a holiday!".

Aye right, where do you think you are going 4 weeks on Monday?? I got an e-mail from one of my favourite bloggers this week telling me she was in NYC on holiday and off I went in a reverie, wishing I was there and mumping to myself that I cannot go. At times I completely forget I am going to Capetown.

You would think the large sums of money would remind me. The final payment to the donor agency was made this week. £1851 in British money or $3500. No going back now. My savings account does not know what has hit it this week. I am also making the final payment today for the kitchen out of it too.

Ach, so what? Look at how much I paid for an ectopic pregnancy last time. Pity the only thing growing round here is my hair, and not a 17 week pregnancy bump. Maybe I can post a picture of my arse.

Pumpkin and Clotted Cream

2006-08-16T15:11:00.000+01:00

Oh my, I did not realise it had been a week since I last posted! Bad blogger, me! I have been super-busy which is a real change for me and my mood lately. I am definitely recovering in leaps and bounds these past few weeks. I cannot even remember exactly how many weeks pregnant I should be, without consulting the filofax. Definite improvement. I still have my moments but it is no longer just one step forward, two steps back.

It is CD1 today and this is the first period since the bleeding from the methotrexate shot. I am guessing it might be a doozy but I have counted back and it is probably only about 4-5 weeks since my HCG would have zeroed out. So that is a pretty short cycle for me. Of course, this week I had been entertaining wild fantasies of my body having had a taste of HCG and clicking into gear and you know the whole "fertile after miscarriage" baloney. However, I then remember that would apply to normal bodies only and never mine. Issues, hmmm?

Blow that, no wallowing in what my body cannot do! I am totally focussing on going to Africa. Apart from my lost weekend in Argyll, I have been pretty consistent with the food and the exercise. At Saturday past's weigh-in, I was down 7.1lbs in 3 weeks. I am pretty pleased with that as once past the initial loss, my PCOS-ridden body likes to hang on to every ounce with its fingernails. I have to keep pushing it and staying away from the alcohol and bad carbs.

But...I am totally convinced that time has speeded up. It is now just under 6 weeks until we arrive! And 3 weeks until Amy from Fertilely Challenged arrives!!! Eeeek! Which leads me back to the start of this entry and the reason I have not posted for a week. I am up to my armpits in paint. Remember the kitchen that was fitted at the end of May, but which has languished fitted but unfinished since then? The pumpkin is the colour of the walls and pics will follow soon. The main painting is done and I just have to finish the woodwork. It is looking lovely, if I say so myself.

The new kettle arrived yesterday and I am loving its retro fabulousness.

And the clotted cream? The colour of the paint in the spare room. Soon to be inhabited by a highly-anticipated guest, as above. I am super-excited to see her again, stuff her full of curry and talk our heads off for days. Of course, Mr P will be there too as server of drinks, chauffeur and all round go-to boy hahaha! He is really looking forward to it too, honest.

Elegantly Wasted

2006-08-09T16:20:00.000+01:00

Ha! No weigh-in this week as I was in a faraway place, full of hippies and musicians and scrumptious food. What a shame! It was the perfect excuse I needed to get totally wasted and eat scrummy food. Damn those musician types for encouraging me into bad habits I thought I had forgotten!

Mr P's band had been invited to play at an Arts festival last weekend so we packed the car and off we went. The only thing that was freaking me out was that our accommodation had been organised on an ad hoc basis and that now always makes me a tad nervous.

I was OK with that in my younger years and it invariably meant dossing down on someone's living room floor with a sleeping bag. Now my back and my middle-aged pillow obsession will not let that happen so easily. I stowed the duvet and my pillows in the back of the car just in case.

So if you were on a back road in Argyll on Sunday morning on your way to church and passed a middle-aged woman in head-to-toe black, looking bleary-eyed and clutching a large square pillow? Yep, that was me, walking back from a house we stayed in, not even knowing our benefactors' names. Thank you very much for your Highland hospitality.

Checking In

2006-07-31T16:08:00.000+01:00

8 weeks today, I will be on that KLM flight via Amsterdam!!! Whoooeeee! It is getting slowly closer. I am arranging my meds now from the International Pharmacy in London and almost all the accommodation is booked. I am still procrastinating about where to stay at the latter part of our trip. I want somewhere at the beach and I am a Libran so give me more than one option and I am screwed!!

Saturday's weigh-in was a good one. I lost 2.2 kgs last week which is 4.8 lbs. I know it will have been mostly water weight but it is a good start. Someone in the comments talked about eliminating food groups and that is what I do anyway. As a PCOS girl with Type 2 diabetes, I cut out all sugar and the only carbs allowed are good ones eg. wholegrain. Obviously when I have had bad news of a failed cycle or an ectopic or the end of the West Wing, my first instinct is to dive headfirst into the scones and the doughnuts and any kind of cake at all. Can you spell self-medication?

However, I can cut out all the sugar, eat right and still not lose weight without paying attention to exercising and calorie/portion control. So the walking is still continuing, mixed with a little rebounding and cycling. I even did some gardening yesterday. I definitely can feel my stamina returning. It is actually pretty scary how quickly I lost it.

The way I am keeping my calories down at the moment is by not having a full evening meal. At the moment, my favourite is to have home-made soup with a lot of pulses or beans for protein. A couple of organic oatcakes and we are all the road. It would not work for everybody but it works for me. However, I have not had to go out socially in the evening for dinner yet and this would not work for that. I must say that I have a healthy breakfast and lunch with all the food groups represented. I don't know if it is because when I was pregnant, I never felt like eating at night-time and it has just carried on? Who knows but I am not arguing with the scales.

I am not taking the Proz*c, as prescribed by my doctor. The black hole is not deep enough for that right now and although it says that some weight loss side effects may be experienced, I don't want to mess with that or start taking it so close to doing another donor egg cycle. I know that I am getting better slowly. The ectopic knocked me back hard but I know that I would not be interested in a haircut or new clothes or going out of the house if I was in the hole. I have been there before.

If the next cycle is a bust, I will probably be swigging it down in handfuls with the gin but let's hold thumbs* that I stay teetotal for the next year.

The South African expression for crossed fingers for good luck.

Ho Hum

2006-07-26T16:41:00.000+01:00

So what's been happening here in the barren Pamplemousse household?

Mr P's band have a gig at an arts festival on the West Coast, beginning of August. It looks pretty cool but I bet it will be crawling with legions of children with their faces painted. And we are maybe camping out so the midges will get me.

We had blood drawn last week for our up-to-date HIV/Hepatitis B and C/syphilis screenings. This is needed for treatment in SA, never mind the fact that my old clinic let us cycle this year with out-of-date results. Little did they know that I love to celebrate an ectopic pregnancy with dangerous activities like too much Pimms, too much cake and not enough shared needles full of heroin. Let us not even mention unprotected s.e.x. What is that???

Ditto the semen analysis required for Mr P. Last one he had done? 3 years ago. Do you see a pattern here? My clinic tried to fob off my complaints with the defence that counting the sperm during ICSI was almost like an SA and I am like "What, dude? Does the embryologist have a copy of that scribble for faxing to SA???

Then to add insult to injury, because I am daring to go elsewhere for treatment (subtext-abroad), the shutters come down and the clinic are unable to provide new testing for us so I have to plead with my GP for help with further testing. Luckily, she steps up to the plate like a trouper but what the hell? I swear that I was ready to start killing people.

Hmmm, what else? Oh yes, my GP also prescribed me Proz*c at the same time. It was probably the wild eyes and the sobbing that gave me away. I am not taking it though, at the moment. I just like to keep a stash in the drug cupboard, together with 3 million unused Gonal-f needles. Anyone need needles, just drop me a line. You are not getting the other stuff in the cupboard yet though.

Amongst the angst and sobbing, I also decided it was time to stop the Pimms and cake and get back on the bandwagon. You know, the diet one. Otherwise the way I am going, I will not fit in my seat on the plane to Capetown.

I have 9 weeks (minus a couple of days) to lose 8 kgs (17.5 lbs). This gets me to my lowest ever IVF weight. Needless to say, I will still be gigantic and wobbly but it would be a start (albeit a small one). I started back on the multivitamins and chromium and magnesium and folic acid, all of which I had stopped when the ectopic was discovered. I know I will struggle once I add the hormones back in in September but I figure I can give it a good go until then. I am due to have my depot Lupron shot around August 31.

This leads me on to my next rant. It is over 2 weeks since I have been at zero HCG so where is my period? I am tortured by my body endlessly. The stupid thing never does the right thing at the right time. I am due to start BCPs when it arrives in July and it is almost August. I emailed the good doctor in Capetown and he says no worries. It is easy for him to say. He is not the one whose body is dysfunctional and cannot ever do anything to a timetable.

And of course, there will be no help forthcoming from my old clinic, will there?

Kudos if you have made it to the end of this ranting post. Feel free to mutter "Oh, shut up" at the computer screen as I do that often too.

We Built This City on Rock and Roll

2006-07-20T12:11:00.000+01:00

The third stage of defoliation occured yesterday. After the triumphant success of overpowering the monobrow and ejecting the hamster from my lip, yesterday was the cut and colour of my so-called crowning glory. Begone grey crone, hello dolly!

Well, not quite a dolly but coiffed, dyed and flat-ironed within an inch of my life. I felt pretty until the sea haar rolled in last night on our nightly walk and totally frizzed me up. It was worth it to feel bonny for a few hours.

Yes, I did say nightly walk. My recent choc ice and sultana scone consumption has meant that drastic action had to be taken. But no-one warned me that after the meth shot, I would feel weak as a baby for weeks afterward. Even just last week, I tried to bounce on the mini-trampoline and had to cry uncle after a couple of minutes as I was pooped with rubbery legs.

What happened to my stamina? Disappeared, laughing with my hopes for a successful pregnancy. Much like any will to get on the fricking trampoline in the first place.

So...last week, seized by a fervour to recover my thighs, I announced to Mr P that we would walk every night. We have no discernible excuse, other than the death ray emitted by the TV that pins me in front of NYPD Blue and King of the Hill. Also I live in the sticks. We just have to fall out of the door in either direction and we have a ready-made walking circuit of 1.8 miles to torture my calves with. I used to do this circuit at a fast clip in 20-25 minutes.

First time out, I had to keep stopping to ooh and ahh over the new baby cows, the Shetland pony, a patch of nettles, the stone on the road in an interesting shape and any other distraction to catch my breath and hitch up my trousers with a very red face. I kept shouting at Mr P to slow down as I had to PLOD!!!! It took us 50 minutes the first time and I could have watered the Gobi desert with my ladylike glowing.

A week later, we are down to 30 minutes per walk and I still have to occasionally pause for a quick calf cramp and a sniff of a rosebush but things are getting better. I am not shouting at Mr P. Well, hardly at all as sometimes I still don't have enough breath.

Next stop...back on the trampoline.

We Moan About The Weather Regardless

2006-07-18T16:19:00.000+01:00

Check this out. As Thalia said, it is not normal for the UK.

I am just alternating between choc ices in Mr P's room on the puter and the hammock in the shade.

There's No Crying in Baseball

2006-07-12T14:36:00.000+01:00

But you cannot watch it here in this country so I will just have to make do with my copy of A League of Their Own.

HCG down to 6 on Monday and I have been officially kicked loose from Ectopic Watch 2006. Apparently, my consultant doctor wants us to have a review appt. in 2 months. Ha! Yeah, right!

Plans for going to South Africa are moving on. The good doctor wants us there on Sept 25th so I have booked flights, trying not to wince at the cost. They are the most expensive flights I have ever paid for.

I don't know what the trick is with all these folks using frequent flyer miles to get free or cheap flights. Is it to fly everywhere, every week or use the same airline all the time to book with? I don't fly often enough and when I do, I am usually looking for a bargain fare, rather than loyalty to a particular airline. My Scottish cheapskatedness does like the sound of free flights.

Our weekend away was great. The weather was pish but what else to expect in July (or any other month) in Scotland. It matched my blah-de-blah mood. There is something about the coastline round Arisaig that speaks to me. It is utterly wild and desolate yet beautiful. Even now, it does not get too crowded. Most folks are on the way to the ferry for Skye and do not tarry much. I did see the cottages in the flesh that I have considered booking online before and now that I know exactly where they are (in an utterly beguiling position), I will be booking a week there for next year.

One thing I did realise at the weekend is that I have not had my hair coloured or cut since March. It was doing away fine until I was pregnant and then I did not want to colour it. Once I was not really pregnant, I did not feel like it. Ditto with the eyebrows and the facial hair. Now I have at least 2 inches of grey roots, a forest of mono eyebrow and a hamster on my upper lip. Even in the depths of depression, I am horrifying myself.

So...next week, as well as having who knows how many vials of blood drawn for our up-to-date STD screenings for SA, I am having all my separate hair needs attended to. I don't know if it is an indication of my feeling better or not. It depends on which day you ask me. I am being gentle on myself and trying not to castigate myself for my moping.

One thing I wish I could shake is the knowledge of exactly how many days and weeks I would still be pregnant if it had been viable. When does that go away? (11 weeks tomorrow, in that parallel world where good things happen). I just want to forget now, to stop being haunted.

Gone Fishing

2006-07-06T11:11:00.000+01:00

And we are off!

I will be back on Monday for a hopefully final HCG test.

Until then I will be dodging the rain and the midgies and the chips.

I have packed the tankini but it is more likely I will need my cagoule.

Spaghetti Junction

2006-07-04T10:37:00.000+01:00

My brain is like spaghetti at the moment. If I was at work right now, I would be totally stressed out haha!

First of all, on the pregnancy front, we are almost not pregnant. Frankly, thank fuck. My HCG went from 3oo-something last Monday to 26 yesterday. No wonder I have been in the toilet emotions-wise. My body is trying to reverse so fast that everything is spinning.

I am still having residual pain (sharp at times) on the side where the ectopic is. The scan yesterday showed the mass is still there but my RE said that it will eventually be reabsorbed into my body. Eeew.

It is the same size, if not a little bigger than my ovary and pressed right on top of it hence the pain. It is more like bad ovary pain than anything else. I keep reminding myself that there is not much room in there and my ovary is protesting at the squatter. Get out, begone, leave me alone.

On the emotional side, I have been indulging in some very unhealthy emotional eating of the sugar kind. You will remember that prior to this DE cycle, I was all about the organic skimmmed milk, bottled water, healthy carbs, my body is a temple preparing to bear my beautiful child, etc, etc. Blech.

Well, that has pretty much fallen by the wayside again and it is all pretty much "What can I eat to make me feel good temporarily and then horribly sick as my blood sugar hits new terrifying highs??". So hence yesterday's gourmet menu (aided and abetted by a side trip to M&S on the way to the clinic):

6 pieces of caramel shortcake
2 iced fruit buns
sushi selection (with free bag of grapes when you spent over £2.50 on sushi)
umpteen cocktail mini sausages
cheese and onion crisps
bombay aloo
chicken dopiaza
pilau rice
onion bhaji nan bread
1 choc ice

Needless to say, by the time I staggered to bed after Big Love, I was ready to heave and was bleating piteously for the Rap-eze indigestion sweeties. Nobody's fault but my own.

However, I am not allowing this orgy of over-eating to continue. Miraculously, I am the same weight I was before I started this last cycle and it is time to re-focus on healthy eating again. Without a focus, I am lost so I have been busy this week.

We have picked a donor for SA, she has accepted, deposits are being paid this week and I am now on the medical documents paperchase for the clinic.

Things have moved fast as I am not prepared to wait for longer than necessary. The time frame should mean that it will be 3 months from the meth shot and hopefully, end of Sept/beginning of October, I will be healed and ready for this next go.

In between that, Deadwood, The Shield and Huff are returning to UK TV screens just to keep me happy. I mean I know I already have Big Love, Lost, CSI Everywhere and NYPD Blue (4 episodes a week!!) to occupy me but a girl can't have too much American TV to entertain her in times of emotional crises.

Oh, I just noticed that it is Independence Day today. I hope you are all enjoying yourself on a beach somewhere. I hate when nobody posts cos they are all on holiday. I imagine everyone doing glamorous things in the Hamptons, or on a yacht, or lounging by the side of a pool. Even in this country, the southern half are getting 90 degree temps where as per usual, here North of the border, torrential rain and thunder storms and lucky to be 70 degrees are the order of the day. No wonder we are all depressed here.